I never ever thought that I would be afraid of my own blog.
Afraid to come back to this place where I've been venting my feelings for a year.
(What a year it's been.)
But suddenly, this place, my little corner of the internet, is a heavy reminder of a facade. In many ways I got played in front of everyone I shared this blog with & thats embarrassing but... I shared it because I was committed to being honest on this thing. And this is less about that and more about me.
It's been a few days since I completely ended the relationship I had with SAM and I've thought about it so much.
I've danced around my house listening to ALL the hateful man songs, I've gone out on a date, I've gone out with good friends and I've literally just tried to open myself up to feeling whatever is there to be felt.
At first, it was confusion. Why was it hard for him to tell me that he was seeing someone else? What else is left to be said after I've found out? Why does this happen to me? Typical questions.
But the more profound questions that came to me were: what am I grateful for? what does this mean?
Dear Everyone, I'm grateful to be able to say that I opened my heart to someone honestly, and it has not murdered me. I'm grateful to be able to say that I loved being loved and it took me a while to find that. Prior to my first trip to South Africa I HATED romantic love and I thought it was a stupid, silly fool's dream. But now it's like, wow I didn't know how much it would mean to me to be seen by someone else as beautiful, and loved, and perfect. Maybe I'll never know if he really meant those things. Something in me tells me he did. And for clarity, I'm not upset that he was seeing someone else, I'm upset that he lied to me about it. Trust and respect means EVERYTHNG to me, and he disrespected me and lost my trust by hiding things from me. But love and respect are two different things (that should go hand in hand), so while I do think he loved me, I can't love anyone who doesn't respect me.
Regardless though, I find myself missing the thought of someone loving me. And I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love so for those of you who have read the book, I found myself laying in bed today typing to myself: Niomi you are beautiful inside and out, and I love you. So it sounds absolutely crazy but Liz taught me, and I accepted into myself that my greatest power is in my spirit and I can remind myself of that. I can remind myself that I had to love me first, and greater than anyone else, in order for me to have even allowed someone else in. And I'm grateful for that.
I think I'll always treasure the experience of the seriously long distance relationship, the trips to south africa, the beautiful human beings that have entered my life and touched pieces of my soul that, hey lets be honest, college broke. I've never felt more.... optimistic and more self-assured than I do now. And that's sort of terrifying because this was not a happy experience but yet somehow, all I'm seeing is rainbows.
I've got so much love for the people in my life and the things that I am able to afford I mean.... sigh, I ALMOST want to forgive SAM and say hey- we can be cool. But hahaha, I haven't changed that much and I really don't do second chances so.... yes, unfortunately SAM is forever out of my life but one door closed means another door opens and this time.... this time, my boots were made for walking through it!
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Episode Infinity: The End.
I wish it could be said.... that all things have fairytale endings.
I wish that was the case.
But this is real life and.... things don't always work out the way you want them to. Especially, I've noticed, in my case.
I know I said I wasn't going to blog about this experience, but this was too good to pass up.
I had an amazing time in South Africa, I can't take that away. SAM was very nice to me, his family was extremely nice to me and the opportunity to see my host family again was priceless.
But something is wrong, maybe I had a hint of it while I was there but now it is Day 2 at home and I think I've put SAM in my trash can. Sorry, no more romantic anecdotes.
I didn't get a chance to meet Amanda, but I did notice her name come up on his phone from time to time. To be honest, long distance is hard and I know that. I have always known that and been open to being unexclusive. I've asked him a million times to tell me, if he liked someone else I wouldn't mind, I just wanted to know. I didn't want to find out on facebook or anything like that and of course he replied faithfully, "that will never happen."
Sigh, but then again, you know how some people are, and instead I met Amanda on facebook. In his room, on his couch, very much in love.
Needless to say, I won't be posting any pictures or stories or anything about SAM anymore, in fact I've already deleted them. But this ending ... has been interesting. 2015, I guess I'll have to start looking closer to home.
It's been a wild ride once again! Gosh, and I haven't regretted a single moment but all good things must end. Thank you for riding with me, thank you for the love and support. Just ... thanks!
I wish that was the case.
But this is real life and.... things don't always work out the way you want them to. Especially, I've noticed, in my case.
I know I said I wasn't going to blog about this experience, but this was too good to pass up.
I had an amazing time in South Africa, I can't take that away. SAM was very nice to me, his family was extremely nice to me and the opportunity to see my host family again was priceless.
But something is wrong, maybe I had a hint of it while I was there but now it is Day 2 at home and I think I've put SAM in my trash can. Sorry, no more romantic anecdotes.
I didn't get a chance to meet Amanda, but I did notice her name come up on his phone from time to time. To be honest, long distance is hard and I know that. I have always known that and been open to being unexclusive. I've asked him a million times to tell me, if he liked someone else I wouldn't mind, I just wanted to know. I didn't want to find out on facebook or anything like that and of course he replied faithfully, "that will never happen."
Sigh, but then again, you know how some people are, and instead I met Amanda on facebook. In his room, on his couch, very much in love.
Needless to say, I won't be posting any pictures or stories or anything about SAM anymore, in fact I've already deleted them. But this ending ... has been interesting. 2015, I guess I'll have to start looking closer to home.
It's been a wild ride once again! Gosh, and I haven't regretted a single moment but all good things must end. Thank you for riding with me, thank you for the love and support. Just ... thanks!
 |
| Don't we all :) |
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Episode 22: Enough with the Melancholy
Soooo, I don't read over my own posts as they make me shout at myself "WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING!"
But the posts I have skimmed seem to be sort ofmelancholy.
Enough of that!
Some of you may know that I'm leaving for South Africa tomorrow, Christmas in Africa!
and you may be wondering, am I going to blog about it? Is SAM going to be apart of this trip? Will this be an EPIC winter/summer romance during the holiday season that they'll one day make a movie about on Lifetime?!?!?!?!
Hahaha, there are only soo many answers to those questions right? All I can say is that I am vowing to take as many random pictures as possible and I will only be posting them here (as opposed to my usual facebook posting).
So I'm not committing to any further blogging just yet, but pictures = yes! Check back here if you'd like to see how my trip to South Africa went this holiday season!
Expect changes in January, 2015 - see ya there!
Happy Holidays & New Year from the Looking for Love Blog!
But the posts I have skimmed seem to be sort of
Enough of that!
Some of you may know that I'm leaving for South Africa tomorrow, Christmas in Africa!
and you may be wondering, am I going to blog about it? Is SAM going to be apart of this trip? Will this be an EPIC winter/summer romance during the holiday season that they'll one day make a movie about on Lifetime?!?!?!?!
Hahaha, there are only soo many answers to those questions right? All I can say is that I am vowing to take as many random pictures as possible and I will only be posting them here (as opposed to my usual facebook posting).
So I'm not committing to any further blogging just yet, but pictures = yes! Check back here if you'd like to see how my trip to South Africa went this holiday season!
Expect changes in January, 2015 - see ya there!
Happy Holidays & New Year from the Looking for Love Blog!
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Episode 21: Being a woman.
It occurred to me the other day, how I learned what it means to be a woman.
In two parts.
The first, a poem. Listed here on this blog, Kings Day. I read it at NSBE’s Love Jones in college, on Valentines Day. It was inspired by SAM who always made me feel like the perfect woman.
The second, a bit more dramatic and less glorious was also in college. Many things occurred that night, somewhere in between the intoxication and my friends getting into fights, crying, losing things … somewhere in between the mayhem of that night I realized I was leaving a house alone to go back to my dorm. I wasn't worried for myself, I mean I never really had a reason to be, but my friend had been crying and I had left her in the house without a cellphone. I wanted to make sure that she was okay even though I was leaving or at least had the opportunity to call me if the night got any worse; so I traced back our night to a house where she may have left her phone.
The house was familiar, one of my best friends lived there, his name was David. I called him, asked if I could come in to just look for the phone, he said sure- the door was open. [At this point I want to write, how much I want to preface this by saying don't worry the story isn't that bad- I’ll come back to this]. When I walked into David’s house I realized quickly that it was not empty. There were several men sitting in somewhat of a circle in his living room, I didn't know any of them… they didn't go to my school, except for one or two that were David’s roommates… David was nowhere in sight. I walked in, now self conscious and they began to berate me. Asking me to dance for them, in the middle of this circle, asking me where my friends were at, and when I didn’t respond ...as I was walking around the room looking for the phone, they began to call me other things. Some including the term “dirty”.
In most cases I’d become defensive, angry, and lash out at this group, but intoxicated as I was… all I remember feeling was small, embarrassed, scared, and belittled. When I realized that, these men were not going to stop taunting me and I was not going to find the phone, I decided to leave. As I reached the door, one of David’s roommates asked me if I was looking for sliding phone with “two bitches” on it. I said yes, and he revealed the phone in his hand. As his friends began to chant “make her work for it”, I decided to leave and he rushed to the door to hand me the phone and say sorry.
This was not a small moment for me, I’d never been in the position to be so disrespected. I left angry, and mostly at David … though he wasn’t in the room. I had wanted someone there to protect me, I had wanted someone there to tell them to just leave me alone. I was only trying to be a good friend and look out for someone who was hurting, and in the process I became the target. As my friend, I had an irrational idea that David should have been there to help me. However, I knew he had no control. He could have told me there were people downstairs and for that I was still upset, but what made it worse is when I asked him why he never came down he angrily replied to me that he was upstairs having sex.
I’ve never let this night leave me, though I thought I did. I don’t trust men. Moreover, I despised many of the men I went to college with. And as much as I hate to say it, they were the men of color that I knew, that treated women as if they were disposable. I’d watched friends cry year after year for events more volatile than the last, we were run over and run through and the worst part is! Even if I were to tell this story, my story, someone would be quick to tell me… it’s not that bad.
It is that bad. It is that bad for men to harass you, to treat you as less than what and who you are. To devalue you, and as a woman… what I learned that day is that…. we’re only one moment away from being another victim of another crime based on the fact… that we are women. On that night women were bitches, women were sex objects, women were entertainment and as for me… I was nothing and forever will remember what it feels like to be nothing in a room full of men.
What I learned on King’s Day is that I never needed anyone to tell me what my worth was, and I never needed anyone to fight my battles. But the man who made me feel like I could put down gloves, and swords, and guns and shields… the man who made me feel like I didn’t need to fight…. was the only man who ever showed me what it felt like to be royal.
And I just wish every woman has the chance to feel her crown, but too many women never will. Too many women have to keep their heads down, keep their mouths shut, keep their memories so far in the back of their brains so as not to scar their flesh. For too many women, men are not to be trusted. And I hate to be another woman who understands why.
Unfortunately, I will always hate the people involved in that night, but I won’t hate all men for it. In fact, I’ll thank my dad for always calling princess and SAM for reminding me of what a Queen could be. Without them, I don’t think I’d recognize what true beauty existed inside & out of me. Thank you.
In two parts.
The first, a poem. Listed here on this blog, Kings Day. I read it at NSBE’s Love Jones in college, on Valentines Day. It was inspired by SAM who always made me feel like the perfect woman.
The second, a bit more dramatic and less glorious was also in college. Many things occurred that night, somewhere in between the intoxication and my friends getting into fights, crying, losing things … somewhere in between the mayhem of that night I realized I was leaving a house alone to go back to my dorm. I wasn't worried for myself, I mean I never really had a reason to be, but my friend had been crying and I had left her in the house without a cellphone. I wanted to make sure that she was okay even though I was leaving or at least had the opportunity to call me if the night got any worse; so I traced back our night to a house where she may have left her phone.
The house was familiar, one of my best friends lived there, his name was David. I called him, asked if I could come in to just look for the phone, he said sure- the door was open. [At this point I want to write, how much I want to preface this by saying don't worry the story isn't that bad- I’ll come back to this]. When I walked into David’s house I realized quickly that it was not empty. There were several men sitting in somewhat of a circle in his living room, I didn't know any of them… they didn't go to my school, except for one or two that were David’s roommates… David was nowhere in sight. I walked in, now self conscious and they began to berate me. Asking me to dance for them, in the middle of this circle, asking me where my friends were at, and when I didn’t respond ...as I was walking around the room looking for the phone, they began to call me other things. Some including the term “dirty”.
In most cases I’d become defensive, angry, and lash out at this group, but intoxicated as I was… all I remember feeling was small, embarrassed, scared, and belittled. When I realized that, these men were not going to stop taunting me and I was not going to find the phone, I decided to leave. As I reached the door, one of David’s roommates asked me if I was looking for sliding phone with “two bitches” on it. I said yes, and he revealed the phone in his hand. As his friends began to chant “make her work for it”, I decided to leave and he rushed to the door to hand me the phone and say sorry.
This was not a small moment for me, I’d never been in the position to be so disrespected. I left angry, and mostly at David … though he wasn’t in the room. I had wanted someone there to protect me, I had wanted someone there to tell them to just leave me alone. I was only trying to be a good friend and look out for someone who was hurting, and in the process I became the target. As my friend, I had an irrational idea that David should have been there to help me. However, I knew he had no control. He could have told me there were people downstairs and for that I was still upset, but what made it worse is when I asked him why he never came down he angrily replied to me that he was upstairs having sex.
I’ve never let this night leave me, though I thought I did. I don’t trust men. Moreover, I despised many of the men I went to college with. And as much as I hate to say it, they were the men of color that I knew, that treated women as if they were disposable. I’d watched friends cry year after year for events more volatile than the last, we were run over and run through and the worst part is! Even if I were to tell this story, my story, someone would be quick to tell me… it’s not that bad.
It is that bad. It is that bad for men to harass you, to treat you as less than what and who you are. To devalue you, and as a woman… what I learned that day is that…. we’re only one moment away from being another victim of another crime based on the fact… that we are women. On that night women were bitches, women were sex objects, women were entertainment and as for me… I was nothing and forever will remember what it feels like to be nothing in a room full of men.
What I learned on King’s Day is that I never needed anyone to tell me what my worth was, and I never needed anyone to fight my battles. But the man who made me feel like I could put down gloves, and swords, and guns and shields… the man who made me feel like I didn’t need to fight…. was the only man who ever showed me what it felt like to be royal.
And I just wish every woman has the chance to feel her crown, but too many women never will. Too many women have to keep their heads down, keep their mouths shut, keep their memories so far in the back of their brains so as not to scar their flesh. For too many women, men are not to be trusted. And I hate to be another woman who understands why.
Unfortunately, I will always hate the people involved in that night, but I won’t hate all men for it. In fact, I’ll thank my dad for always calling princess and SAM for reminding me of what a Queen could be. Without them, I don’t think I’d recognize what true beauty existed inside & out of me. Thank you.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Love is an act...
My minds eye still sees what no longer exists: insanity, blurred reality, or fantasies I'm suddenly victim to a war of worlds. I've heard love is an act of endless forgiveness. In this world he speaks to me so softly, in a tone of voice that begs forgiveness and uses words that I am weak for, "I love you", "dream girl", "marry me".
I, like so many before me, am unfortunately shackled to the robust images of white weddings, flowers, romance and perfection. And yet, as so many today recognize, there is a soft but not subtle, doubt that these things will ever come to be. And it is here, right in between my realms of reality and fantasy, where I'm pairing white orchids with empty bedsides, here is where I think of you and all your promises. I've never stopped believing that those promises were just as real and as true as you've always been. But I've also always known how far out of reach they can be. Although I've reached you many times, these short grasps were never whole enough to touch the promises of a life unlived. For you, I'd break the mold, skirt the line, and all the above. But in time, my greatest sacrifice, I find weakness & selfishness. It's here that we become distant, held in minute and hour hands that only touch in fortuitous fashion. For you, I'd jump minutes for hours, but for me, I hold on. In fear that your promises, my safety net, won't pull through.
I think at times that I am only half reality, but I am whole here in the makeshift world, the inception of my life and even now, writing this I can't tell whether this be poetry, prose, or a somber reality. Wish me luck without you, wish me love without you, wish me whole without you...
I, like so many before me, am unfortunately shackled to the robust images of white weddings, flowers, romance and perfection. And yet, as so many today recognize, there is a soft but not subtle, doubt that these things will ever come to be. And it is here, right in between my realms of reality and fantasy, where I'm pairing white orchids with empty bedsides, here is where I think of you and all your promises. I've never stopped believing that those promises were just as real and as true as you've always been. But I've also always known how far out of reach they can be. Although I've reached you many times, these short grasps were never whole enough to touch the promises of a life unlived. For you, I'd break the mold, skirt the line, and all the above. But in time, my greatest sacrifice, I find weakness & selfishness. It's here that we become distant, held in minute and hour hands that only touch in fortuitous fashion. For you, I'd jump minutes for hours, but for me, I hold on. In fear that your promises, my safety net, won't pull through.
I think at times that I am only half reality, but I am whole here in the makeshift world, the inception of my life and even now, writing this I can't tell whether this be poetry, prose, or a somber reality. Wish me luck without you, wish me love without you, wish me whole without you...
I think that's what Drake did.
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| Love, Niomi |
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Episode 20: Too much of a good thing, Won't be good for long
I've been trying to avoid blogging, in order to get my head straight, but everything has just been weighing so heavily on me... I felt the need to get it out.
I sat on my couch early this morning and watched Sex and the City re-runs (one of my fav. shows) and ran into the episode on soul mates. At 35 years old, Carrie Bradshaw had no male soul mate, and she wondered if she'd ever meet him. At 22, I could care less about soul mates, and though I'm not 35, I feel I will never be concerned about having a soul mate.
But in the interim, I have this guy who is driving me crazy. And whenever asked what our future will hold, I don't know the answer. The only response I manage to muster is that, I don't think I'll ever find another guy like him. And that scares me.
Does that mean we're soul mates?
Probably not.
I don't know what the criteria is for soul mates, but hopefully its more than a paranoia of only ever caring for one person and no one else (but isn't that how people use the term anyway?) Regardless! I would take SAM for a soulmate. I would take him and keep him and live a life with a mated soul, sure. Except... we never get it right.
For the month of July (our trial month) I was in love with SAM. He was perfect I was happy, and guess what?! I booked a flight to South Africa! for December to spend time with this guy that I just knew was time we needed.For the month of August? I don't know who he is. I don't know what he wants. I feel like I'm piecing together the most elusive puzzle and I'M TIRED of dealing with it. I'm so worn and torn about asking the same thing, JUST TALK TO ME.
You would think it would be the simplest request, especially in a long distance relationship, but it isn't. No matter how hard I try I can't get him to consistently speak with me. Weeks can go by and nothing, Which begs the question: was July just a fluke month because he thought I was really through with him? And if that's the case I don't want to continue being with someone who only finds it convenient to speak with me when he thinks I'm leaving.
Trouble is.... now I've booked a flight to South Africa. And come December, I will be there. Unfortunately, I feel like this relationship won't last until December. So I'll just be in South Africa just..... hanging out? I guess. With my host family, who literally lives within a 5 minute walking distance from SAM. sigh. It will be the hottest mess of the year. And I'm terrified of being overwhelmed with emotion. No matter how angry I get and how neglected and dejected I feel, I still know that despite it all SAM is a great person and a really caring individual. He really does make me happy and meet every little distinguishment I've conjured for my life. When I was there, it wasn't all bliss but it was still so..... good. I wish that I could always look past his faults to say that we're struggling but
But that's just not who I am. So my mind is heavy, and my heart is heavy. At best I could see us agreeing to be friends but ... I can't commit to someone that I don't know. And I can't know someone, that I never speak to. It's as simple (and as complicated) as that.
P.S. I apologize about the promised SAM post. As you can see things haven't been very stable, but if we ever get it together before its over... the post will be made!
P.P.S. Additionally, this relationship with SAM has still managed to bring me good fortune as one of my posts was published TODAY! in LDR magazine: http://www.ldrmagazine.com/?p=6837 . It's actually the antithesis of this post, so maybe I still have a lot to learn lol.
UPDATE: As fate would have it, unfortunately, SAM and I's relationship met it's end yesterday. It's been a hard decision for the both of us and to assure that he is not being presented in the wrong light, it is a decision that he does not agree with. I do believe that only time will tell what this life has in store for kindred spirits like ours, but in the mean time I will need to make new accommodations for my trip to South Africa. I thank all of the readers who have followed along with us thus far, and though my blog may be reaching it's end, I will be airing the unposted episodes of this series in the coming weeks. Thank you all! It's been a really, really wonderful ride.
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