The Aftermath

I never ever thought that I would be afraid of my own blog.
Afraid to come back to this place where I've been venting my feelings for a year.
(What a year it's been.)

But suddenly, this place, my little corner of the internet, is a heavy reminder of a facade. In many ways I got played in front of everyone I shared this blog with & thats embarrassing but... I shared it because I was committed to being honest on this thing. And this is less about that and more about me.

It's been a few days since I completely ended the relationship I had with SAM and I've thought about it so much.
I've danced around my house listening to ALL the hateful man songs, I've gone out on a date, I've gone out with good friends and I've literally just tried to open myself up to feeling whatever is there to be felt.

At first, it was confusion. Why was it hard for him to tell me that he was seeing someone else? What else is left to be said after I've found out? Why does this happen to me? Typical questions.

But the more profound questions that came to me were: what am I grateful for? what does this mean?

Dear Everyone, I'm grateful to be able to say that I opened my heart to someone honestly, and it has not murdered me. I'm grateful to be able to say that I loved being loved and it took me a while to find that. Prior to my first trip to South Africa I HATED romantic love and I thought it was a stupid, silly fool's dream. But now it's like, wow I didn't know how much it would mean to me to be seen by someone else as beautiful, and loved, and perfect. Maybe I'll never know if he really meant those things. Something in me tells me he did. And for clarity, I'm not upset that he was seeing someone else, I'm upset that he lied to me about it. Trust and respect means EVERYTHNG to me, and he disrespected me and lost my trust by hiding things from me. But love and respect are two different things (that should go hand in hand), so while I do think he loved me, I can't love anyone who doesn't respect me.

Regardless though, I find myself missing the thought of someone loving me. And I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love so for those of you who have read the book, I found myself laying in bed today typing to myself: Niomi you are beautiful inside and out, and I love you. So it sounds absolutely crazy but Liz taught me, and I accepted into myself that my greatest power is in my spirit and I can remind myself of that. I can remind myself that I had to love me first, and greater than anyone else, in order for me to have even allowed someone else in. And I'm grateful for that.

I think I'll always treasure the experience of the seriously long distance relationship, the trips to south africa, the beautiful human beings that have entered my life and touched pieces of my soul that, hey lets be honest, college broke. I've never felt more.... optimistic and more self-assured than I do now. And that's sort of terrifying because this was not a happy experience but yet somehow, all I'm seeing is rainbows.

I've got so much love for the people in my life and the things that I am able to afford I mean.... sigh, I ALMOST want to forgive SAM and say hey- we can be cool. But hahaha, I haven't changed that much and I really don't do second chances so.... yes, unfortunately SAM is forever out of my life but one door closed means another door opens and this time.... this time, my boots were made for walking through it!