Episode 5: Baby don't hurt me

What is love?

Other than that random 90s song that probably just came to your head right now, the true question here is what IS love?

I don't know guys. I'm going to be honest, I have no idea. I mean I sit up here ranting and raving about this grand love affair with this guy, and I ask YOU yes! YOU the reader to support me at (gofundme.com/goingthedistance) but I'm only 22, what do I know about love?

My family... is filled with a lot of love, but it is familial love. We love each other because we're all interconnected and we've built these relationships for years. I've never had the opportunity to really see romantic love though. And SAM knows as I've told him, there are no husbands in my family. Not a single one. We are the single mothers clan of 2014 and I ....  don't know how I feel about that. Funny thing is, up until now, thats what I aspired to be. A single mom, doing it all on her own and killin' it! That's what the women I know, do; we LOVE our children, we LOVE ourselves, but men? I really didn't think it was even possible.

 And maybe it isn't!

You know I talk a good game about this stuff but maybe love doesn't really exist between a man and  a woman. I'm sure SAM would disagree but maybe he's wrong too. That's one of the reasons I started my gofundme campaign. I just wanted to know if love was true and real. I just wanted to know if I was right all along and it's always going to come crashing into single parenthood or if.... maybe there really is something to this. Maybe distance means nothing, and time means nothing; MAYBE love conquers all, and maybe I love SAM, but maybe I don't... and then what?

You tell me.

Now, don't take that to mean that this is all just one huge lie. Let me explain a little more.. The relationship I have with SAM it's....unique. Unique in that I never feel alone with him. And I resisted that at first! I was actually angry with the fact that he was saying he wanted to be by my side, I just was so angry that he would put me in a position to depend on someone other than myself when I KNOW I can't depend on anyone but myself. I was complicated then, because I'd never known a man to stand by a woman in all of her times of need. Not even my own father, whom I love to the moon and back, I'd do anything for him, but.... there were too many times that I saw my mother cry because she knew she was alone in life. Even if he was physically there, he was never really the supportive man she needed him to be.

I'm always afraid to end up like my mother, never being able to escape the disappointment of another.

Well, that's what makes SAM unique, I trust him. The way he is with me I always feel like I have a partner. When we talk to each other, he always offers his help in any way that he can, even if in reality he really just can't. If I'm down about something he tries to understand me, he apologizes if its about him. He is patient with me if I'm confused or concerned and if there is something that needs to be done between us, then we try to work it out together. I don't think it is because of me, that SAM is this way. I actually think he just is that way because when we spoke about marriage one time (just like your ideal marital situation not us getting married as this was way before the whole thing developed), he said how he wanted him and his wife to both work and both bring something to the table. I guess the way he described it he put them on equal pedestals, and I was really, really impressed by that lol. Because in traditional Zulu culture (and Sam is Zulu) women are of far less worth than their husbands once they're married. If they're unmarried, virgins they're worth a lot but after that... Oh I'm sorry, who are you? oh! right! Wife number 5. -_-.

Anyway, the point is, I don't know what love is, so maybe I can't intellectually stake claim on my love for Sam. But at the same time I love having someone to take every step with me, even if it hurts sometimes, even if its not always fun. I love the person that I've grown to know even though I actually was not trying to get involved at all, lol.

He's a gem guys I mean believe me when I say, he's a gem and ... maybe that doesn't make it love but it certainly makes it anything and everything I'm not willing to give up.

So what is love guys?! Someone please tell me how did you know when you first fell in love? I know there's some good stuff out there! Comment, subscribe, and most importantly share!