Epsiode 7: Soul Searching

Whoever you are out there who continued to read my blog after it's "end all" post a few weeks back, Thank you. 

I had no idea if I would be back here, writing this story. To tell you the truth my life has been nothing short of chaotic and stressful and seriously introspective these last few days, and this blog posed so many challenges to who I am fundamentally.

First off, I HATE that SAM reads this blog. I hate that his friends read it and tell him about it. I hate that my last few page views were from South Africa and I hate that my story is no longer mine once it reaches this threshold.

I like SAM the way he is, which is... often confused, always funny, usually attentive, honest, and persistent. That's all I ever want from that man and all I will ever expect. For some reason however, I felt the popularity of the blog and the writing was overshadowing the person. I write SAM the way I feel him in my heart, and so sometimes I write him extra loving or extra caring or just plain EXTRA. But he's just a normal guy and I like him that way. He makes mistakes and he doesn't profess his love for me every hour, on the hour because... I wouldn't like that. And yet somehow I felt our relationship was becoming a work of fiction, with the input of several hundred views I... could no longer control the impact a love story would have on the love itself.

It repelled me to believe that my normal guy was suddenly some prince charming... I didn't sign up for that. I'm no damsel, I'm no princess, I'm just me ... and that should be JUST enough for him. Not more than enough and not too little, we're just the right amount of imperfection and no matter how many episodes of this blog I write if there is one thing I cherish, it's the authenticity of knowing... that .... there is a real person behind the character. ... a person that never smiles in pictures, cracks his knuckles more times than necessary, sometimes ignores my texts messages, but never lets me go.

I've let you, reading this, into my world, and for a while I was sure you would destroy it. You would make everything genuine into a fantasy... but then, then I tried to give up and well... I realized that no one can do unto me, what I have not allowed. My own inhibitions, fears and doubts have much to do with how I experience my world and the things I hold sacred within it.

This is my sacred heart on display. 

Please don't touch the exhibit... it's fragile, 

but enjoy the view. 
Thank you.

Do you guys think I should continue this blog? Or would you like to know why I'm back? Let me know in a comment, a share, or a subscription. Love your feedback as always <3

I've quit writing this blog.

For now.

Minisode 1: Message from the author

I took a break from shamelessly promoting my blog recently because I was REALLY, REALLY, down. So many things happen on a daily basis that just.... exhaust me emotionally and then honest to god writing this blog just reminds me of all the things I love that I can't have. It's pretty masochistic but also a labor of love.

I'm hoping:
A) someone out there is inspired by this, and
B) someone out there is willing to help.

But anyway I just say that to say, that this blog is.... not always the easiest and I hope that the people who read,  really appreciate the honesty that I put out there because it's something I know you don't always find anymore.

So yeah, please don't be afraid to tell your friends, parents, aunt and uncles about this blog if you're into it, you're never too young or too old to share some wisdom and I'm always looking for answers. And subscribe! If you're never on facebook but would like to keep up with the episodes. I love getting the feedback that you guys are giving me on and off screen so I really hope that you continue to ride this ride with me and SAM, we never know when it's going to be over. 

Episode 6: It gets real

There are days when everything just isn't perfect. Those days, I feel at my most needy. Every girl's greatest fear: being too needy, being overbearing, being a nuisance because you're overwhelmed with wanting and too afraid of losing. For the ladies, who read this, breathe... we're all needy in one way or another. Men know that, and anyone who tells you that THEY aren't needy and YOU shouldn't be needy, is probably some type of bitch relationship villain.

But anyway, imperfect days are the worst. They are the days that we haven't talked much. I'm wondering if I should send another text, have I sent too many texts? Maybe he's busy, or sleeping, or something that doesn't involve me. And yeah it makes me worry. I worry that it'll be that ONE imperfect day, that makes him realize he's just happier without me blowing up his phone. He's happier without all the data charges, and the intangible relations. One day everything I'm not will make him happier than everything I am. Those are imperfect days.

But they don't last. It's scary, it's always scary and even this blog scares me because it's about something so fragile, that it could end at any given moment. I started the campaign, as a  way to keep hope alive for me and SAM. In our perception of events it would take no shorter than 1-2 years before we can see each other again. Which you can imagine, feels like an eternity, especially when you have imperfect days. This particular blog post doesn't have a happy ending, it's too real for that. Imperfect days remain imperfect until they end.

Tell me, what comforts you on imperfect days? Should I be running for some type of fudge infused, chocolate delight sundae? A novel? comedy? What gets you through the insecure moments?

If you like it, share it! Or drop a coin at gofundme.com/goingthedistance

Episode 5: Baby don't hurt me

What is love?

Other than that random 90s song that probably just came to your head right now, the true question here is what IS love?

I don't know guys. I'm going to be honest, I have no idea. I mean I sit up here ranting and raving about this grand love affair with this guy, and I ask YOU yes! YOU the reader to support me at (gofundme.com/goingthedistance) but I'm only 22, what do I know about love?

My family... is filled with a lot of love, but it is familial love. We love each other because we're all interconnected and we've built these relationships for years. I've never had the opportunity to really see romantic love though. And SAM knows as I've told him, there are no husbands in my family. Not a single one. We are the single mothers clan of 2014 and I ....  don't know how I feel about that. Funny thing is, up until now, thats what I aspired to be. A single mom, doing it all on her own and killin' it! That's what the women I know, do; we LOVE our children, we LOVE ourselves, but men? I really didn't think it was even possible.

 And maybe it isn't!

You know I talk a good game about this stuff but maybe love doesn't really exist between a man and  a woman. I'm sure SAM would disagree but maybe he's wrong too. That's one of the reasons I started my gofundme campaign. I just wanted to know if love was true and real. I just wanted to know if I was right all along and it's always going to come crashing into single parenthood or if.... maybe there really is something to this. Maybe distance means nothing, and time means nothing; MAYBE love conquers all, and maybe I love SAM, but maybe I don't... and then what?

You tell me.

Now, don't take that to mean that this is all just one huge lie. Let me explain a little more.. The relationship I have with SAM it's....unique. Unique in that I never feel alone with him. And I resisted that at first! I was actually angry with the fact that he was saying he wanted to be by my side, I just was so angry that he would put me in a position to depend on someone other than myself when I KNOW I can't depend on anyone but myself. I was complicated then, because I'd never known a man to stand by a woman in all of her times of need. Not even my own father, whom I love to the moon and back, I'd do anything for him, but.... there were too many times that I saw my mother cry because she knew she was alone in life. Even if he was physically there, he was never really the supportive man she needed him to be.

I'm always afraid to end up like my mother, never being able to escape the disappointment of another.

Well, that's what makes SAM unique, I trust him. The way he is with me I always feel like I have a partner. When we talk to each other, he always offers his help in any way that he can, even if in reality he really just can't. If I'm down about something he tries to understand me, he apologizes if its about him. He is patient with me if I'm confused or concerned and if there is something that needs to be done between us, then we try to work it out together. I don't think it is because of me, that SAM is this way. I actually think he just is that way because when we spoke about marriage one time (just like your ideal marital situation not us getting married as this was way before the whole thing developed), he said how he wanted him and his wife to both work and both bring something to the table. I guess the way he described it he put them on equal pedestals, and I was really, really impressed by that lol. Because in traditional Zulu culture (and Sam is Zulu) women are of far less worth than their husbands once they're married. If they're unmarried, virgins they're worth a lot but after that... Oh I'm sorry, who are you? oh! right! Wife number 5. -_-.

Anyway, the point is, I don't know what love is, so maybe I can't intellectually stake claim on my love for Sam. But at the same time I love having someone to take every step with me, even if it hurts sometimes, even if its not always fun. I love the person that I've grown to know even though I actually was not trying to get involved at all, lol.

He's a gem guys I mean believe me when I say, he's a gem and ... maybe that doesn't make it love but it certainly makes it anything and everything I'm not willing to give up.

So what is love guys?! Someone please tell me how did you know when you first fell in love? I know there's some good stuff out there! Comment, subscribe, and most importantly share!

Blooper Reel 4:

It sucks to miss someone, as much as I miss you.

Blooper Reel 3: Images to live by

Gofundme.com/goingthedistance 

Episode 4: Now this Hennessy is gonna be the death of me

OOPS! Did I say Hennessy?
Definitely meant jealousy, but since you're here...
Let's talk about it!

I'm feeling down in the dumps today, so I want to share some of my favorite bits and pieces of SAM.

Back when we were in South Africa, I used to rant about this guy named Sbu! I'd be like Sbu took me here! Sbu's great! Sbu this, Sbu that, blah blah blah. And SAM was always just like.... why are you telling me this? Yeah, making this man jealous, didn't seem like the easiest thing in the world. 

But now! NOW it's a completely different story. 

 Now SAM is the kind of guy who will wave his friends over to say 'hi" to me and then quickly shoo them away for talking to me for too long. -_-

If I even tell him I'm going out? That's the end of the conversation. He wants ZERO parts of me going out, being around other guys, anything of the sort. And I have my own reservations about SAM being associated with girls who Study Abroad. C'mon, I'm American... I studied abroad... and look at me now -_-!! So many of you are probably like "Niomi, that makes perfect sense"

Well, when you are thousands of miles away from someone, being skeptical about them being around the opposite gender is a pretty tall order! To be quite frank, me and SAM are not IN a relationship, we HAVE a relationship, which are two completely different things. There are too many possibilities for other people (closer people) to walk in and out of our lives to set any real restrictions. So I guess we're technically:

 "NO STRINGS ATTACHED"

Well this is where it gets verrrrry interesting, Are you with me here?

How many guys, do you know are opposed to a "no strings attached' relationship? 

Show of hands? 

Probably ZERO or maybe 2 or 3 if they lied.

*The nature of our relationships these days are to be uncommitted, unattached, or say we are attached and then just not be faithful. and WHY do we do this? Because we don't know what to expect from each other and from life. We don't know who/ when/ or what the one is and we are doubtful of our own conscious ability to define it.

And I've been there too many times to count, so SAM? SAM has a free pass to roam around South Africa gettin' it (for lack of a better term), but he doesn't. And I don't know why he doesn't but there's something about this thing... this thing that we've built that makes it hard to see anyone else. So I'm saying even thousands of miles apart from each other SAM is more than willing, and even insists on us having somewhat of a "monogamous" relationship.

I'm floored.

I'm absolutely, 100% taken back by the idea that one guy wants to settle down here, in this world, with me ...& not with me, at the same time. And it might be hard to believe, but follow our story and you'll see just how true it is. I lay down my armor with him, I accept his jealousy as he accepts mine as a testament to the fact that I'm always in your corner, as long as you're always in mine. 

We may not be perfect yet ;] but check out how we communicate our differences! This was a riff we were having on my birthday! A little effort goes a long way ladies and gents!

So what's the verdict on jealousy guys? Healthy or Not? Is moderate jealousy a thing? Let me know! Comment and join the conversation. Orrrrrrr ....

Be the CURE! 

Help me and SAM get closer so we don't need to be jealous @ gofundme.com/goingthedistance ! ($5 is all it takes to change a life, and catch a dream)