Episode 11: Put You On the Team!

Check-In: It's been about a week since I've last gotten a chance to write and it feels like a LIFETIME! My life has been on a roller coaster lately and it is the SCARIEST thing in the history of the world, but I'm living it. Anyway, I realize I haven't been mentioning blissful moments lately so TODAY! we shall get into the bliss of long distance.

SO! Saaaaaam is .... wow, I don't even know what to say, he's just different... for me anyway. He just really indulges me. For instance,  I told him I wanted a picture, he sends me 5, plus  voice recordings and ALMOST a video but I think he forgot about that lol. And the other day we were playing with an app to see if we would have ugly kids or not (don't pretend like you haven't done it!) and .... turns out SAM thinks our kids are ugly unless they have some photo editing sooo... there's that. But otherwise it's really nice to get attached to my phone sometimes and just make our own little fun. It's different because in South Africa, we would text all the time but then we would see each other and talk and hang out and now we don't have that option. BUT!

Ladies and Gentlemen I forgot to mention that I have been dutifully trying to get back to my love. Most recently, by trying to get the attention of natural hair blogger HEYFRANHEY! So basically Fran is offering one of her subscribers tickets to go anywhere in the world [naturally you know where I want to go] ...

Straight to South Africa to make good on all my promises!!! 

It's only 5 days worth of a trip but I could use those 5 days!!! And all I can imagine is just the moment I get off that plane and he's there, and I'm there, and you've got that face of someone who hasn't seen someone they think about everyday for a year, and then suddenly its just happened... and all these scary, exciting emotions come rushing into you and you don't know whether you're going to scream or collapse or puke. ..... lol yeah that's definitely what it will be like. But he is calm; so maybe SAM will hug me, and tell me that he missed me. And maybe we will take a taxi van back to Chesterville/Cato Manor and I'll take in the sights, sounds, and smells of the country I've secretly missed ever since America called me home. I can meet his mom or maybe his dad, and they will look at me funny as I try to impress them with my Zulu, which is awful.


Or I'll visit my South African granny and little sister and everyone! Take pictures to share with everyone who has been supporting me on this blog, supporting my journey, sharing their advice and experiences with me. It would just be sigh, Amazing. I know some people out there are going to read this and be like oh snap! I want to go somewhere! You're more than entitled to feel that way, but if there are others of you out there who really want to see this win, I'd love if you throw a shout out for me with HEYFRANHEY. You could link this blog in there (I know I did), or just like my comment, send her an e-mail, or even post a comment yourself and maybe she'll see just how desperate I am  passionate we all are about keeping love alive over here. But don't worry, even if I don't win, I'm not giving up. I got to make it back at least once to remind myself that this is all real.

#Team Special Delivery <3!!

Me & Lil Sis Zinhle!

P.S. I try to make this blog a complete reflection of what SAM and I go through in a long distance relationship in hopes that it's helpful for others. BUT, have I become the bearer of bad news? Do we need more positivity on this blog or are we doing alright? Let me know! Comment, Share, and.....

LIKE the new Facebook page if you're addicted to the book like I am ^_^ : https://www.facebook.com/foolsfallin

Episode 10: Man Down (contd.)

There had been a couple of days or weeks that had gone by in which I felt that... SAM just didn't feel the need to make time for me. We hadn't spoken (which is our primary way of keeping in touch) and every time he or I tried to initiate conversation someone was always busy or it just went nowhere. In general, we had Hi and Bye conversations, that ended as soon as they had begun. Some of you may be familiar with the "hi and bye" convo, try doing that with someone thousands of miles away

-____- pretty pointless huh?

So I was upset. The kind of upset that was maybe a little passive-aggressive, and I decided that in order to combat my anger I should just not care at all. Probably red flag number 1: the solution to anger is never really to just ignore, avoid, and disregard everything.  BUT I'm a veteran at this so yeah, that was me. 

Well to make a long story short, one thing lead to another SAM brought up the issues and I was just itching to let him have it! I'd already made up my mind that I didn't want to do this anymore, that I had enough things to worry about, I didn't need another, and that I just didn't care about the relationship, I still cared about him just not "us". And the excuses just kept coming, rushing out of me like some sudden like a broken faucet. For the first time in a while I felt empowered to take hold of a situation that was bothering me and change it (possibly not for the better). I ended my rant with something along the lines of "there's no solution". 

No solution? No chance, no hope. 

What was SAM's initial response? Eish. 

I figured I had him, I'd done this before so I knew he would just like give up and say I'm right and we'd split up amicably (sort of). Though it hurt me to think that way, I was overwhelmed and just needed or even craved to have one less problem in my life and this particular one seemed the most easily managed.

Well, following that Eish, came the real kicker. It was the text from SAM that said, I understand what you're feeling, I'm feeling it too but the difference between you and I is that, I'll never stop caring and I'll never stop loving you.

and there was this little brief squeal that must've escaped me as I felt my heart being crushed under the burden of reading those words. The sudden regret for my hastiness, the sudden realization of my ever-present tendency to leave people selfishly and naively. When someone is miles away from you, this should be the easiest relationship to run from and yet... I found myself wondering why I couldn't pass "Go". SAM is my yellow traffic light (car robot if you must). When I've gone from 0 to 60, I'm ready to hit the highway, no rearview mirrors, no turning back he just does something that says "slow down". And as I'm still revving the engine at the stop light I realize.... I've got no tires, I'm running on E, and everything about this trip is completely unprepared and I'm exhausted (this is probably usually where I would start crying, didn't cry though!).

I gave it one more shot, told him there was nothing we could do (I'm a gladiator in these sorts of battles), but he sent me the message that asked me to just try. 

In the long run I always look back on these moments and wonder why I didn't try harder, could it be because no one ever asked me to? No one has ever expected me to care deeper than what I've exposed on the surface? If you love someone, and they ask you to try, you do it. Even if it doesn't work, even if you can't follow all the way through, you just try. Because one day you'll look back on the one bad moment out of all the good ones and wonder why you didn't.

We haven't actually resolved the problems that drove us apart in the first place, some weekends are still a little worse than others but... hey he's in South Africa for pete's sake! It's not like the easiest mediating situation. But I'll work it out with him, because he doesn't give up on me... and maybe... just maybe... every time I thought I was giving up on someone else, I was really just giving up on myself, 

and maybe I should stop thinking that's okay.

So you all must know by now I think this is completely nuts lol, what would you say? Is it normal to have these kinds of arguments in a relationship? What about long distance (say thousands of miles worth)? Are we really cut out for this, ARE WE GONNA MAKE IT!? 

Let me know what you think! comment, share, love, peace, happiness, thanks! <3

Episode 9: Oh Mama I Just Shot a Man Down

First off, I'm SO excited to be here! On this blog, finally writing another post freely. I've been feeling so restricted from doing anything I enjoy lately so this is a much needed relief. Second, a HUGE thank you to everyone who is reading/ commenting/ donating (Denise Cooper thank youuu!), I have to say you guys are HUGELY inspirational. Naturally, this blog is dedicated to my relationship with SAM and more often than not I draw from our experiences, but every time I receive feedback from someone who has read the blog or believes in it, I am hugely motivated to believe that I'm involved in something positive and not completely insane, lol so Thank you for that as I truly, truly appreciate it.  NOW! To the story!

Okay so, I am not typically a calm, cool, and collected person when it comes to relationships. I mean generally, in working situations, I do very well under pressure! However, in relationships I just don't. Reason being? I don't like being unnecessarily unhappy, and I never understand why it is a requirement within relationships to deal with unhappiness or discontent for/with your partner or friends for that matter. That being said, at any given moment of extended disenchantment I just give up. lol I vehemently throw in the towel; can't fight , won't fight, done before it even began.... that's me.

Naturally, I haven't been in too many long-term relationships!
Consider that the first ingredient to the recipe of destruction.

Then we have SAM, a routined "party boy" (Party boy is kind of a derogatory term so take it lightly, it's just how I describe people). Anyway, SAM is generally reliable, he works around a pretty ordinary schedule (wake up early, school, random activities, home, sleep) so I always know good times to contact him.

The weekend for instance, is a terrible time to contact him! Why? Because he travels back to his old neighborhood (where I met him) to go out drinking with friends until like 2-3 a.m. (which happens very routinely unless he has an exam or something). This DOES NOT stop him however, from contacting me on the weekends and even video chatting me, while drunk and with friends. If you know me, you can already see the problem here.

It's not that I don't want him out or that I think a party is a problem. No, no, no I do my thing on the weekend as well but when I say SAM is drinking I mean hes is drunk lol, drunk enough to message me with the intention of letting me know just how drunk he is. I don't usually go that far in my rendezvous.

Now, let's stir the pot and add in a pinch of neglect:

Like I said, I'm naturally overwhelmed in relationships with a high tendency to freak out and abandon the situation, and SAM, sometimes, ignores my texts. Sure! he doesn't want to admit that he ignores them but since I can be a little neurotic I've already pretty much observed his "texting behaviors"/ his daily routine and can easily tell when something is out of order (some of you are thinking I'm crazy at this point, those same individuals know they do this too!!! they just don't like to admit it.). We all, pretty much perform some variation of this, you know when your partner is acting weird because if you knew nothing about their behavior and their daily life you wouldn't be with them.

So when I'm feeling ignored and you are answering my texts hours later, or not addressing a question I've asked you, and then! messaging me while you are out partying and drunk. Yes, I feel some type of way. Not a way that is easily expressed either.

Thus..... the meltdown.

Episode 8: Stop throwing ROCKS!!!!

...at glass houses.

I wanted to tell him, that we'd reached our breaking point.
There was nothing left for us... this thing ... what even is this?
We're not talking, you're out partying, I'm out partying too but we don't... we just don't.

We don't belong together.

I'm here, you're there. We can't make this work.
It's impossible.
It's even more impossible because we're not speaking. Lives are diverging more and more each day.

That's what I wanted to say, that's what I had meant to say but then, I remembered this is what I always do. I don't... work at things. I just let them die and sure maybe I will regret it one day but today! today it is too much for me to handle, and today I cannot address the multitude of problems accumulating in this mess.

CLEAN IT UP or THROW IT AWAY mom always said.

I usually choose the latter. But then he did that thing he does... that umm... loving me thing?, yeah... he did that. He said Niomi! I know what you're saying, I feel the same way, but the difference between you and I is that, I never stop loving and I never stop caring.

What do you say to that?

You say: Every guy says that! This is what happened the last time! STOP TALKING! I can't do this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry? I'm not sorry. I love you? I do love you. I'm confused. I'm tired. Help me. Something is broken.

and he says: Just try.

I'm trying. I love you.

For inspiring me to be everything, I've only seen on tv screens. You'll never be a motivational speaker baby, but you'll always be a muse for me.

Living with/out you is artistry aka
 (there's levels to this ish*)