Episode 10: Man Down (contd.)

There had been a couple of days or weeks that had gone by in which I felt that... SAM just didn't feel the need to make time for me. We hadn't spoken (which is our primary way of keeping in touch) and every time he or I tried to initiate conversation someone was always busy or it just went nowhere. In general, we had Hi and Bye conversations, that ended as soon as they had begun. Some of you may be familiar with the "hi and bye" convo, try doing that with someone thousands of miles away

-____- pretty pointless huh?

So I was upset. The kind of upset that was maybe a little passive-aggressive, and I decided that in order to combat my anger I should just not care at all. Probably red flag number 1: the solution to anger is never really to just ignore, avoid, and disregard everything.  BUT I'm a veteran at this so yeah, that was me. 

Well to make a long story short, one thing lead to another SAM brought up the issues and I was just itching to let him have it! I'd already made up my mind that I didn't want to do this anymore, that I had enough things to worry about, I didn't need another, and that I just didn't care about the relationship, I still cared about him just not "us". And the excuses just kept coming, rushing out of me like some sudden like a broken faucet. For the first time in a while I felt empowered to take hold of a situation that was bothering me and change it (possibly not for the better). I ended my rant with something along the lines of "there's no solution". 

No solution? No chance, no hope. 

What was SAM's initial response? Eish. 

I figured I had him, I'd done this before so I knew he would just like give up and say I'm right and we'd split up amicably (sort of). Though it hurt me to think that way, I was overwhelmed and just needed or even craved to have one less problem in my life and this particular one seemed the most easily managed.

Well, following that Eish, came the real kicker. It was the text from SAM that said, I understand what you're feeling, I'm feeling it too but the difference between you and I is that, I'll never stop caring and I'll never stop loving you.

and there was this little brief squeal that must've escaped me as I felt my heart being crushed under the burden of reading those words. The sudden regret for my hastiness, the sudden realization of my ever-present tendency to leave people selfishly and naively. When someone is miles away from you, this should be the easiest relationship to run from and yet... I found myself wondering why I couldn't pass "Go". SAM is my yellow traffic light (car robot if you must). When I've gone from 0 to 60, I'm ready to hit the highway, no rearview mirrors, no turning back he just does something that says "slow down". And as I'm still revving the engine at the stop light I realize.... I've got no tires, I'm running on E, and everything about this trip is completely unprepared and I'm exhausted (this is probably usually where I would start crying, didn't cry though!).

I gave it one more shot, told him there was nothing we could do (I'm a gladiator in these sorts of battles), but he sent me the message that asked me to just try. 

In the long run I always look back on these moments and wonder why I didn't try harder, could it be because no one ever asked me to? No one has ever expected me to care deeper than what I've exposed on the surface? If you love someone, and they ask you to try, you do it. Even if it doesn't work, even if you can't follow all the way through, you just try. Because one day you'll look back on the one bad moment out of all the good ones and wonder why you didn't.

We haven't actually resolved the problems that drove us apart in the first place, some weekends are still a little worse than others but... hey he's in South Africa for pete's sake! It's not like the easiest mediating situation. But I'll work it out with him, because he doesn't give up on me... and maybe... just maybe... every time I thought I was giving up on someone else, I was really just giving up on myself, 

and maybe I should stop thinking that's okay.

So you all must know by now I think this is completely nuts lol, what would you say? Is it normal to have these kinds of arguments in a relationship? What about long distance (say thousands of miles worth)? Are we really cut out for this, ARE WE GONNA MAKE IT!? 

Let me know what you think! comment, share, love, peace, happiness, thanks! <3