Episode 18: The road to love is paved with good intentions

It's been a while since I've written. I really have missed writing to you all
but for a while I just didn't know what to say.

So... where to start.

The communication issues between SAM and I spiraled out of control to the point that I'm not sure if either of us really knew where we stood on this entire relationship thing.The idea of being in a long distance relationship is not ideal, it is not fun, and it takes such a toll on your faith that sometimes it's hard to hold on to.

I've loved SAM because most of the time he makes it easy to be here. He puts just as much effort into me as I put into him (in different ways of course) and that always reminds me of where our love lies. But this time, everything seemed so confused and unclear. Neither of us could really verbalize how to "fix" what was wrong but if there was one thing that did continuously come up, it was how much neither of us really wanted to lose.

So maybe we're self-centered really. Maybe this is just a game to see who can win the ultimate prize, regardless of the cost or obstacles; and if it is then the universe certainly picked a perfect match.

We do this. 

And in fact I've learned so much about the benefits of being self-centered in a relationship. When it comes to SAM, it's true that I am "with" him or trying to be with him because I love him, but there's soooo much more to that.

I want SAM because of everything he is, and everything he could be.

What I've learned and grown to love about him is how considerate, caring, and respectful he is of me and my opinions. He actually listens to me when I need to tell him something and he tries to meet me at least half way whenever possible. He's comforting to me, he's honest, at times he is wise and he's almost always playful, like myself, so we always have a good time. As we have moved forward I think about all of these things as characteristics of someone I could continue to grow with. 

I want someone who is going to respect me and approach me with honesty and care, to be the person I wake up to every day. I want my children to be exposed to traditions and cultures that challenge their perceptions, & allow them to think outside of conventions. I want kids who are proud of their history the way Zulu men are. And I hope my family will  one day see  how hard we fought against our differences to pull our dreams together. I think everything I love about life & everything I value, is found in small quantities, somewhere in him. And I want that, maybe... forever. I want it for ME and MY life and I think he feels similarly about me.

So herein lies a lesson about when it's okay to be a little selfish in your relationship:

We are by no means perfect, he is by no means perfect. We have problems we have yet to solve and maybe never will and at that point who knows if we'll be met at this junction once again. But for now, I'm not ready to lose everything I want, and everything I want just happens to be in him ... even though we're working on our issues and we're not 100% together, I think we are giving all we've got just to have a chance at making it to the finish line. And even if it is selfish, I think that's our love.

"When all I ever needed was a good man, a lover, and a best friend. Someone to forgive me when I'm so wrong, and remind me what 'Welcome Home' is applied to love, love, love: anything can be love, and anywhere can be home."

My question to everyone else is: 

Do you "see" yourself with your partner? Are you selfish in that you see everything you want in them? And is that okay? Is it something that comes to the forefront more as we get older?

 I'd love to hear some feedback on this one, comment & share your thoughts!