Episode 13: Trouble in Paradise

Without SAM, these past few weeks have been intolerable.

Even though, I reached 300 votes on 1stclassfashion.com, they won't be giving me the prize. I literally felt so crushed and distraught at the idea of another opportunity being snatched away from me, that the impossibility of this relationship began to weigh so heavily on my mind and my heart. I'm usually the optimist, but with all these life transitions I've been making it's been so hard to find SAM in the chaos. Even after trying to reach out to him, it just feels like there really is too much distance between us.

Additionally, for the first time really... I'm jealous. I feel like it's not a typical jealousy... or maybe it is  (I'm not really used to feeling jealous). But on top of just being sad about not having the chance I wanted to see SAM again, I'm so jealous of everyone who does get to see him. People that get to hang out with him every day and talk to him. I feel like I probably care more than any ONE of them and I work so hard and yet I'm the one who gets denied the simplest joys. I don't even get to tell him these things ... my entire blog audience will know this information before he does, and how could that not be hurtful.

I think the entire situation is just becoming somewhat of an emotional burden to me, and as much as I looooove SAM, I just can't keep failing at this. As hard as I try, sometimes I just want to win. And I'm losing it, I'm losing all of my resilience. In everything that I wanted for this relationship I'm just finally writing it off. I'd actually really, really hate to lose SAM because I do think we have something so beautiful, with so much potential but I guess no one can really live this way, can they? We're too poor, and apparently too unlucky to see this thing through.

And even though I'm on my last leg here, I'm still not ready to give up. Sigh, I tried, I really tried to talk myself into being okay with calling it quits but, not only do I haaaaate being a quitter, but I just hate the idea of really, seriously, never seeing him again or talking to him, or anything.

This is the beginning of a broken heart, but now I've got too much life to concentrate on, to even begin to mend it. I guess it's all in the divine plan of the universe now, if it was meant to happen I guess it would.