Episode 14: IF I wrote you a letter it would say:

I fall in love with people ever so intricately.
Not in the midst of it all, and not all at once.
It's only in their absence, when I can recall the way his eyes scrunch up in the sunlight or dodge to the left when he's uncomfortable.
The way he stutters when he says "Well, I always want to see you" on the phone. Do I really begin to pen all the ways I love him.

Such detail, such tiny, minute indications of emotion that only become evident when the story is played back to me behind shut eyelids. I've asked myself over and over again what it means to be "in it" with someone. What does it mean to never share a bed, or a drink, or a shiver down your spine with someone that you're "in it" with.

And it all boils down to the cinema of. The darkness where his voice comes into play and tells me about his day, his week, his month, his year. The pictures, the videos, the voice recordings that remind me of the real person that's behind this screen of imagination. WE are intricate pawns in a minds game of memory. A rocky van ride, where you calculate change faster than I could solve a simple math problem, and I'm in awe of the fact that you don't have tissue in your bathroom... or maybe in terror actually.

But regardless I always get a bit weepy eyed when the story of the indian taxi driver comes to play. When he says "I can tell he doesn't want you to leave", and begins to map out the story of our lives together. The children we never talked about, the marriage we never planned. He speaks so confidently as if he knows a secret that has yet to be revealed to us and gogo would have told me God whispered it in his ear for me.

It's just a little story of perfection, and how crazy it seemed then, but how wonderful it sounds now when you kind've replay it, squint your eye at it, and cock your head to the side. Yeah,I  can see it. Maybe it's possible to never leave. Maybe it's possible to have the wedding, and the babies, and the life spanned across two continents, maybe it's all a dream waiting to come true.

But you wipe those weepy eyes when you realize the intricacies have already been written. You may never know how that conversation ends. The stories, the films, the eye wide shut cinema that you fall in love with every day that it plays for you, is all subject to the advancement of time. The more time, the farther apart, the further we drift away from those feelings of knowing.

As I'm presently subject to doubt, I need you more than I needed you before. Just tell me, that you will write this life with me, you have to write this life with me... because without the magic you bring, I'm just a girl, falling in love with a paper and pen. Slowly and positively becoming unwritten.