Episode 15: Confession of a Pills n' Potions addict

I listen to that song on repeat, like every day and I couldn't even tell you what what any of the lyrics are other than "pills & potions, we're overdosing, I'm angry but I still love you.... I still love (x1000)"

Nicki, you read my mind. 

Imagine this:
You're on a roller coaster that only goes up. Each moment you're climbing a new height, adrenaline on high, checkpoint by checkpoint it's the ride you never want to leave. And finally, you're at the top, crescendo. There's no where else to go but you're suspended there, looking down. All you see is what's beneath you, everything you've been avoiding on this ride up. You have a choice to make, and it seems clear, but you can't pass go. Why is that?

I'd like to know why I didn't do it, and if I ever really wanted to. I wasn't sure and suddenly..... I'm smirking now at the thought, that suddenly there was more track. Relationships are a mysterious thing to me, just as life is, and so when someone important loses their life... it affects everything. One day, I was ready to yell at SAM and tell him how I was done with this and literally the next day, I was begging to hear from him. I was scared, I was nervous, I was guilty, I was angry, I was everything all at once but none of that .... none of that could have compared to what I was sure he was feeling. And anything I thought before went out the window. This time, it wasn't about me, it was about the person that I love, his life and his heart that was unraveling right before his eyes.

I couldn't be there to support him. I couldn't hold his hand or sit outside with him while he tried to make sense of it all. I wanted so, so badly, to be the person he turned to and all I could do was send a text, and hope he allowed me to make a call. When he did I... stumbled over my words and tried to make sense of a situation that I obviously couldn't understand and... he laughed at me. If all I could get was the sound of his smile on the other end of my cellphone... it was enough.

Sigh, I say all that to say, that I love that guy. That 8,000 mile away guy. That please dear lord jesus let me find a way to see him again guy. That "calls me crazy every day" guy. 'Cause man, even when I was feeling SO ready to quit, life happened and I found myself right back on the ride that only goes up.

So what's the confession here? sigh, lol the confession is I probably right this blog to just get it OUT of me how much I love, love, love this guy and how really, really, REALLY silly it seems from a continent away. Sigh, but I can't help it.

So shoutout to SAM's new angel, I know that he lost someone so special but I feel like he gained an angel of blessings, somehow I feel I've gained something too. As tough as I know moving forward will be, all I can do is provide the unconditional love and support that I feel for him. I really do wonder what God & the universe has in store because at this rate.... this relationship has already gone farther than I anticipated (I hope it's nothing but beautiful, wonderful things). And shoutout to Steve, who donated last week and sent a message that in more ways than one left me speechless. I thank you for sending those positive vibes in my direction and I can't help but feel your words influenced my willingness to focus on something bigger than myself. You are quite possibly wiser than your years in this field of love ;)

Also, I'd love to hear from you guys in comments, shares, messages, texts, whatever! Do you honestly think that tragedies have more of a tendency of bringing couples closer or tearing them apart? I'd really love to know what anyone else has gone through in an unexpected situation. So, let me know what you think!