Whoever you are out there who continued to read my blog after it's "end all" post a few weeks back, Thank you.
I had no idea if I would be back here, writing this story. To tell you the truth my life has been nothing short of chaotic and stressful and seriously introspective these last few days, and this blog posed so many challenges to who I am fundamentally.
First off, I HATE that SAM reads this blog. I hate that his friends read it and tell him about it. I hate that my last few page views were from South Africa and I hate that my story is no longer mine once it reaches this threshold.
I like SAM the way he is, which is... often confused, always funny, usually attentive, honest, and persistent. That's all I ever want from that man and all I will ever expect. For some reason however, I felt the popularity of the blog and the writing was overshadowing the person. I write SAM the way I feel him in my heart, and so sometimes I write him extra loving or extra caring or just plain EXTRA. But he's just a normal guy and I like him that way. He makes mistakes and he doesn't profess his love for me every hour, on the hour because... I wouldn't like that. And yet somehow I felt our relationship was becoming a work of fiction, with the input of several hundred views I... could no longer control the impact a love story would have on the love itself.
It repelled me to believe that my normal guy was suddenly some prince charming... I didn't sign up for that. I'm no damsel, I'm no princess, I'm just me ... and that should be JUST enough for him. Not more than enough and not too little, we're just the right amount of imperfection and no matter how many episodes of this blog I write if there is one thing I cherish, it's the authenticity of knowing... that .... there is a real person behind the character. ... a person that never smiles in pictures, cracks his knuckles more times than necessary, sometimes ignores my texts messages, but never lets me go.
I've let you, reading this, into my world, and for a while I was sure you would destroy it. You would make everything genuine into a fantasy... but then, then I tried to give up and well... I realized that no one can do unto me, what I have not allowed. My own inhibitions, fears and doubts have much to do with how I experience my world and the things I hold sacred within it.
This is my sacred heart on display.
Please don't touch the exhibit... it's fragile,
but enjoy the view.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Do you guys think I should continue this blog? Or would you like to know why I'm back? Let me know in a comment, a share, or a subscription. Love your feedback as always <3
I think you should continue with the blog. I resonate with it well. Your words often describe my feelings well and as sad as it sounds, its comforting to know that someone else is going through a crazy mess of ups and downs like myself.
ReplyDeleteNever mind you write so well. I have no idea how you do it, but your way with words describes life so genuinely.
Thank you so much Anon! I've always loved how you can detect genuine emotion through words, so the fact that my work evokes something (especially something positive) from the people who read it really means a lot to me. If I allowed SAM to read this blog more often I'm sure he'd agree lol.
DeleteI totally agree with the last sentence of the comment above mine. Your writing is so real! I think it's brave of you to put out something so personal and intimate to your heart out her for us to read. It's truly inspirational to those learning to open up better. I think you should continue writing because not only will you inspire others, but yourself as well and teach you bout the beauty of vulnerability especially for a lady. Good luck! keep it up! can't wait to hear more!
ReplyDeleteI tried replying to this post so many times from my phone, and each time failed miserably -_-. But thank you soooooo much for the comment, I loved that you touched on how this is a growing process for not only me but a lot of the people who read this blog. A lot of my personal friends struggle with vulnerability as do I, and I feel like a lot of pessimism and distrust is behind it. That's really another solid reason I write this blog because hope is the realest thing out there for everyone and we really keep it alive on this blog with the posts, comments, and all the text messages you guys send me behind the scenes!
DeleteDear heart don't stop writing. Ur story is both romantic and tragic. But its also inspiring for those of us who have given up on love, for those of us who have been hurt by love and vowed never to love again. U write so beautifully it took me back to time in my life when I knew love and it was everything magical, the feelings that love brings into a soul is like nothing else in the world n we all hunger for it cause without it we are not living we need to know love even if it gives unwanted feelings. We were created to love and its not always going to be fun but you will get so many lessons from it that u will carry thru out your life. Good Luck and don't give up.
ReplyDeleteWow Anon, this was a very insightful comment, so much so that I felt like it was one of the many words of wisdom my mother passes on to me when I'm in a bind (a compliment I never usually make as I find my mother to be uniquely traited for translating experience into lesson... a trait I lack). You know it's very difficult for me to assess the usefulness of loving someone else because I have seen the other side of it far too often. The danger, the hurt, the pain ... I've lost many close friends over their investment in a love that I could not stand by and watch. So this is a real hesitation for me, as I think it would be for most people. But so far, I take pride in being able to write these words because it does show that softer side of love and it's my hope that some people who read this will be able to re-imagine the potential of love. This is my looking glass right now but it is even more powerful for you to take a peak and then re-evaluate personal assumptions on possibility. That was a major component of my trip to South Africa, just continually reassessing possibility and I have to say I'm glad to see where it's gotten me. I wish the best for you all and thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing with me. Always food for thought.
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