Episode 12: Define Fear

People always ask what your biggest fear is?
and some people will say "our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate. but that we are powerful beyond reason"

.... I'm gonna go with inadequate and scared.

Which is exactly how I felt when the doctor said you have four abnormalities in your chest.
Unidentifiable, lumpy, something in your chest more specifically, your breast.
Both of them. 

Followed by the lovely referral to diagnostics that said:

HEY NIOMI! Congrats! you've been chosen to get a breast sonogram to make sure you 

DON'T HAVE CANCER. 

Inadequate? Mortified....Terrified.
Ask any average girl what she knows about breast cancer, and she'll tell you... lumps.
That's all they tell us! Check your breasts for lumps
you got lumps? you got cancer.

So suddenly it was real and something needed to be done. Referrals, ultrasounds, biopsy. All in the middle of classes, job searches, LIFE. I'm a psychology major and so if any of you know anything about mental stress, you would know that poor health can put a serious strain on mental health, fluctuate stress levels, impact performance and if YOU KNEW you had cancer... you'd be a little stressed out too.

The worst part about it, is that cancer doesn't really give you some huge tell tale signs. It could just be there one day completely unexpected, and take your life the next. Diagnoses were inconclusive. Everyone said the same thing, we all knew something was in there... we just didn't know what. Breast tissue in young women is too dense for mammograms and even difficult for ultrasounds. While breast cancer generally has a low mortality rate for older women,  in young women? it's usually terminal. 

Suddenly my life was consumed with cancer. The books I was reading, the movies I watched, the conversations I had, EVERYTHING, unintentionally reminded me about the unidentified lumps. Well everything except for SAM.

When your grades are slipping, your mind is reeling, and all things in your life seem to be crashing together mercilessly, if you just have one person to tell you, "I'm here for you and you can tell me anything and I'll stay calm for you." It's just enough to remind you that you're human. And you can't always protect everyone else because sometimes.... you're helpless, you're not as strong as you want to be, you need so. much. and the person who needs the most protection is you.

SAM did that to the best of his ability. He was terrified but he was willing to listen to my fears, my morbid jokes, and my sometimes AWFUL conversation lol. He didn't want me to die, he didn't want me to talk about cancer or dying, he didn't want to freak out about anything that wasn't written in stone. And in more ways than one, that was comforting. When someone just checks in to make sure you're okay. Knows you're struggling, gives you a reason to smile. Convinces you it will work out in the end, and never lets your faith down... hey, that might be a person worth keeping around.

This story doesn't have a happy ending, or an ending period. I deferred my biopsy until after graduation so as far an anyone's concerned I'm still in limbo. But hey! life gives you all types of challenges I'm just happy to be on top, with my faith, and my support system even if some of them are farther than I'd like them to be...

I'm still blessed. 

Thank you to everyone who has been taking this journey with me! 

I'm on my way to cross that stage at Lehigh University Class of '14 grad ceremony and

 I couldn't think of a better gift IN LIFE than to be able to get a hug from this incredible human being in South Africa. 

It would mean EVERYTHING TO ME if you guys would help me out! 

I've entered a contest to win flight tickets to south africa (again) and if you just CLICK THIS LINK and LIKE MY PHOTO, I could win!!! I just need 300 likes to get there so PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help me out and like the photo. Share it with even just one more friend and ask them to like it too! I'd really appreciate the help guys and I've got one month to do this and if you help I'll love you forever!!!

P.S. I know this was a tough topic but if you have a thought on it , share it in a comment! Or tell me what you would do in SAM's position, and someone you cared about shared similar news with you.