Inspired*

Drunk Driving

I feel so defeated

So defeated and completed 

you brought my thoughts of love around full circle

And I could thank you & murder you at the same time. 

Because...

I wish you loved me

I wish you loved me in all the ways women wished men would love them

And I never fantasized about white dresses and zulu weddings until you walked in

I was fine until you broke me

I was whole until you wrote me of

all the little things you wished the world would lay at our feet

back when the word "our" never felt so sweet. 

l dreamt obnoxiously

of you and me in the morning

beast, bare backs and breasts

 all the temptations of a troubled storm in murky waters

risking, breath as backs snap back 

Forth...

forward moving monsters we

clung to our adversities as if they were the only vehicles toward happiness

Those things that kept us hungry for each other were the same things that kept us awake at night...

fighting off sorrow & loneliness 

And I wish you still loved me

I wish you still dreamt of that 90 yr old woman by your side

freckled nose and spotted back 

I wish you would say it!

Say that you never cared as much as I had been lead to believe.

Say! that you gave up on me the moment I boarded that plane.

Say! you never want me when your sober

Say! You liked smiles because they reminded you of the power you held over the possessor...

I'd do anything to paint your evil.

Bask in your wrongness, give way to your emptiness

I'd give anything to put you on front street!

Stand on my soap box and say you never loved me!

With all city & street lights before me I want to say...

All the things I can hardly begin to believe.

Like how you never loved me. 

How you'd be better off without me.

How I'm stronger than you think of me. 

Well this pen and this poem be my lasting confessional

If it were you on blank page, it be you on full canvas

A masterpiece of my own perception 

Beautiful in all the ways other men cannot be

And if it still you

Then just make me believe

Just make me believe Sfiso,

 that you'll always love me. 

The SAM Playlist

This is quite literally an ongoing playlist of songs that remind me of this relationship, lol. I'm not telling you to like them for this reason but ... they're just also good songs!

1. Good Thing- Sam Smith (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3H51Vzgy2eI )
2. Rather Be- Clean Bandit ft. Jesse Glyn (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUC_rzsiua8)
3. Pills n' Potions- Nicki Minaj
4. Bless the Telephone -Kelis
5. I love, You love- John Legend
6. Mine - Beyonce

Boundaries & Blues

My mouth speaks no boundaries in awe of your presence.

Though not present,

I still find myself deep in you

Silence, 

the kind that speaks louder than words 

clouding my thoughts of hope and good faith

I'm drowning in my ways of loving you from a distance

cracking on all of my resistance 

I grew tired, I grew restless

and recklessly began

planning away my distant man

Planning him into existence

planning him into bedrooms and kitchens

that became littered with the scent of us.

God willing, I thought

us is enough to bring reality to boundless words

fleeing hesitant thoughts...

My heart wallows in the depths of its separation anxiety

Wondering, wishing, hoping that one day

freedom will taste as sweet as my dreams

Freedom will ring out across oceans and airtime

Bringing up or bringing down houses

to make room for homes

that welcome the complexities of

you loving me, we, and country

I once knew truth to be the dismal acceptance of solitude

I never wanted things to change but fck it, now I do.
'Cause love is always the same old story of boundaries,
and blues.

Flowers in the dark spaces of my mind:

Distressed, is the word to describe this feeling. It’s like an utterly complex and insurmountable absence of understanding. If you’ve ever just in the pit of your gut and with all your heart just wanted to make someone feel as happy and as beautiful and appreciated and respected as they make you feel and yet that entire goal is unattainable due to technicality. I feel like I can’t even tell you how much you mean to me out of fear that it will scare you away. I want to tell you that I’m completely dependent on making you feel like you are my entire world because I am so deeply impacted by the person that you put forth to me. And I don’t know if that’s real, because it seems so impossible. I want to love you better and more but mostly I want to love you exactly the way that you want to be loved, but am I losing myself in this consumption? Or am I finding me in a truer form then I’ve ever been exposed to before? You just tell me I’m perfect, and it stings me because maybe I’m just a construction of perfect, and maybe when we’re together for long enough that construction will break into reality and all the little things you used to yearn for will be overshadowed by all the things I made you miss out on. I just want to be good for you. I want to put all my eggs in the basket and run for you. I want to risk my future, my health, and my dignity and meet you wherever it is you need to be met. If it takes the world to make this real, I will forsake the world and all its treasures for the treasure I have in you. I guess that’s why this is too good to be true. I loved to say I never loved before, until I met you. 

Kings Day

He says Niomi as if it were a holy text
Breathes me in with his last breath
His voice remnant of the pharoah's age,
speaks a native tongue that you can't handle. 

My King... knows no other name

Too many letters and apostrophes
His mother wasn't creative
She just,
knew that names were a trivial matter

That they don't claim character. 

That the crown bestowed upon him would be given regardless of whether your mediocre tongue could catch his drift and..
And I hear that mystery means "wish"..
And that's okay with me, 'cause I couldn't wish into existence what my King would be.

You paint
visions of beauty on this body 
You,
who allow me to transcend all things 
You,
unmet and unmatched by any other
My King, you king me
This kingdom you've built me I'm,
stumbling, tumbling, flawed and all ...

as many other men have deemed me unworthy
You..
King...
Applaud me...

You,
King.
Erect shrines in my honor
You, King, 
make the goddess of who I am to become weep at the thought of finally being free my king you...

Complete me.