Episode 20: Too much of a good thing, Won't be good for long

I've been trying to avoid blogging, in order to get my head straight, but everything has just been weighing so heavily on me... I felt the need to get it out. 

I sat on my couch early this morning and watched Sex and the City re-runs (one of my fav. shows) and ran into the episode on soul mates. At 35 years old, Carrie Bradshaw had no male soul mate, and she wondered if she'd ever meet him. At 22, I could care less about soul mates, and though I'm not 35, I feel I will never be concerned about having a soul mate.

But in the interim, I have this guy who is driving me crazy. And whenever asked what our future will hold, I don't know the answer. The only response I manage to muster is that, I don't think I'll ever find another guy like him. And that scares me.

Does that mean we're soul mates?

Probably not.

I don't know what the criteria is for soul mates, but hopefully its more than a paranoia of only ever caring for one person and no one else (but isn't that how people use the term anyway?) Regardless! I would take SAM for a soulmate. I would take him and keep him and live a life with a mated soul, sure. Except... we never get it right.

For the month of July (our trial month) I was in love with SAM. He was perfect I was happy, and guess what?! I booked a flight to South Africa! for December to spend time with this guy that I just knew was time we needed.
For the month of August? I don't know who he is. I don't know what he wants. I feel like I'm piecing together the most elusive puzzle and I'M TIRED of dealing with it. I'm so worn and torn about asking the same thing, JUST TALK TO ME.

You would think it would be the simplest request, especially in a long distance relationship, but it isn't. No matter how hard I try I can't get him to consistently speak with me. Weeks can go by and nothing, Which begs the question: was July just a fluke month because he thought I was really through with him? And if that's the case I don't want to continue being with someone who only finds it convenient to speak with me when he thinks I'm leaving.

Trouble is.... now I've booked a flight to South Africa. And come December, I will be there. Unfortunately, I feel like this relationship won't last until December. So I'll just be in South Africa just..... hanging out? I guess. With my host family, who literally lives within a 5 minute walking distance from SAM. sigh. It will be the hottest mess of the year. And I'm terrified of being overwhelmed with emotion. No matter how angry I get and how neglected and dejected I feel, I still know that despite it all SAM is a great person and a really caring individual. He really does make me happy and meet every little distinguishment I've conjured for my life. When I was there, it wasn't all bliss but it was still so..... good. I wish that I could always look past his faults to say that we're struggling but we can make it.

But that's just not who I am. So my mind is heavy, and my heart is heavy. At best I could see us agreeing to be friends but ... I can't commit to someone that I don't know. And I can't know someone, that I never speak to. It's as simple (and as complicated) as that.

P.S. I apologize about the promised SAM post. As you can see things haven't been very stable, but if we ever get it together before its over... the post will be made! 

P.P.S. Additionally, this relationship with SAM has still managed to bring me good fortune as one of my posts was published TODAY! in LDR magazine:  http://www.ldrmagazine.com/?p=6837 . It's actually the antithesis of this post, so maybe I still have a lot to learn lol.

UPDATE: As fate would have it, unfortunately, SAM and I's relationship met it's end yesterday. It's been a hard decision for the both of us and to assure that he is not being presented in the wrong light, it is a decision that he does not agree with. I do believe that only time will tell what this life has in store for kindred spirits like ours, but in the mean time I will need to make new accommodations for my trip to South Africa. I thank all of the readers who have followed along with us thus far, and though my blog may be reaching it's end, I will be airing the unposted episodes of this series in the coming weeks. Thank you all! It's been a really, really wonderful ride.