Episode 17: When I get a man....

I didn't really want to do this but I felt like I had to.

Me and SAM's relationship has reached the breaking point in an extremely unfortunate turn of events and for the past two weeks my mind has just been whirling and emotional and crazy.

I don't know definitively what's going to happen, but I know how badly I'm going to miss this love. I would go into all the things that I'm going to miss but this blog essentially tells that story. Every post highlights all the things he has taught me and the happiness that he has brought me in the last couple of months. It also shows the hurt and hardship that we go through and ... sometimes the bad outweighs the good. If there were an opportunity to have him next to me I would take it. If I could just hug him and feel comforted one more time before giving it all up to be alone again.... I would take it. But that's not an option for us and...there is nothing that can be done about it right now.

I wish I could really explain what it feels like to be at this state of confusion and not know whether you're coming or going. It's heartbreaking. It feels like I just.... am helpless. Even now as this struggle continues, I can't even find an opportunity to get him on the phone, at least hear his voice and talk about things. Hope I don't make anyone sad with this one but.... I just didn't know how else to get it out. There's nothing left to say except that my heart is broken and I don't know what to do about it.

So I wanted to put white candle by Tamar Braxton but I couldn't find it so K. Michelle for kicks and giggles. Lighten the mood in here ;)

Episode 16: Where do we go from here?

I often battle with myself about doing what I'm doing here, with SAM and... I guess it's because I'm still making it up along the way. But I don't think he knows or realizes how much I get out of just speaking to him. We text a lot but we all know text is like ehh, more impersonal. Ugh, but when I get on the phone it's like ... that's him, that's the guy that you write a whole blog about, and go crazy about at the end of every week when he doesn't text you back and he's out at a party lol, and that's why.

He fills every awkward silence that my nervousness won't let me enter, and leaves me in laughter. I mean I know I laugh a lot in general but, I've definitely met a lot more people who fill those spaces with tears... and not the good kind. And every memory, story, moment we share is like a reminder of the best thing you've ever had. I think the difference between how I feel about SAM and how I've felt about other people is that, I could hang off the edge of a cliff (I wouldn't because I'm smart enough to know not to even approach the edge of a cliff) but I could be hanging there, and not fear a thing if he's there with me. He could be hanging, or he could be safe, whatever happens I know he won't let me feel anxious or alone. And I really can't describe how many years I've felt both anxious and alone... which sucks. So it's different, yeah, being miles and miles away but ... I guess if I was going to do this with anyone, it'd have to be someone who was worth it. And even though he makes me really upset sometimes, and he's really weird, and he thinks we'll have ugly kids.... he's still worth it. I hope it really works out someday, because you can go back and forth telling someone you love them all the time and they can know it's true but... it makes a big difference when they can feel it in the warmth of your hug, or the light of your smile, dimples in your cheeks. I think I could definitely struggle through life with SAM, as long as he wants to, too.

Bless the Telephone.

SAM has seen my blog and read some posts & the topic has come up as to whether he should contribute? If any of you lovely readers think it would benefit the blog to hear what SAM has to say about this mess, please cast your vote in a comment! I'll probably allow him to do so if just one other person thinks its a good idea. But if no one does then :P it's just me!