Episode 20: Too much of a good thing, Won't be good for long

I've been trying to avoid blogging, in order to get my head straight, but everything has just been weighing so heavily on me... I felt the need to get it out. 

I sat on my couch early this morning and watched Sex and the City re-runs (one of my fav. shows) and ran into the episode on soul mates. At 35 years old, Carrie Bradshaw had no male soul mate, and she wondered if she'd ever meet him. At 22, I could care less about soul mates, and though I'm not 35, I feel I will never be concerned about having a soul mate.

But in the interim, I have this guy who is driving me crazy. And whenever asked what our future will hold, I don't know the answer. The only response I manage to muster is that, I don't think I'll ever find another guy like him. And that scares me.

Does that mean we're soul mates?

Probably not.

I don't know what the criteria is for soul mates, but hopefully its more than a paranoia of only ever caring for one person and no one else (but isn't that how people use the term anyway?) Regardless! I would take SAM for a soulmate. I would take him and keep him and live a life with a mated soul, sure. Except... we never get it right.

For the month of July (our trial month) I was in love with SAM. He was perfect I was happy, and guess what?! I booked a flight to South Africa! for December to spend time with this guy that I just knew was time we needed.
For the month of August? I don't know who he is. I don't know what he wants. I feel like I'm piecing together the most elusive puzzle and I'M TIRED of dealing with it. I'm so worn and torn about asking the same thing, JUST TALK TO ME.

You would think it would be the simplest request, especially in a long distance relationship, but it isn't. No matter how hard I try I can't get him to consistently speak with me. Weeks can go by and nothing, Which begs the question: was July just a fluke month because he thought I was really through with him? And if that's the case I don't want to continue being with someone who only finds it convenient to speak with me when he thinks I'm leaving.

Trouble is.... now I've booked a flight to South Africa. And come December, I will be there. Unfortunately, I feel like this relationship won't last until December. So I'll just be in South Africa just..... hanging out? I guess. With my host family, who literally lives within a 5 minute walking distance from SAM. sigh. It will be the hottest mess of the year. And I'm terrified of being overwhelmed with emotion. No matter how angry I get and how neglected and dejected I feel, I still know that despite it all SAM is a great person and a really caring individual. He really does make me happy and meet every little distinguishment I've conjured for my life. When I was there, it wasn't all bliss but it was still so..... good. I wish that I could always look past his faults to say that we're struggling but we can make it.

But that's just not who I am. So my mind is heavy, and my heart is heavy. At best I could see us agreeing to be friends but ... I can't commit to someone that I don't know. And I can't know someone, that I never speak to. It's as simple (and as complicated) as that.

P.S. I apologize about the promised SAM post. As you can see things haven't been very stable, but if we ever get it together before its over... the post will be made! 

P.P.S. Additionally, this relationship with SAM has still managed to bring me good fortune as one of my posts was published TODAY! in LDR magazine:  http://www.ldrmagazine.com/?p=6837 . It's actually the antithesis of this post, so maybe I still have a lot to learn lol.

UPDATE: As fate would have it, unfortunately, SAM and I's relationship met it's end yesterday. It's been a hard decision for the both of us and to assure that he is not being presented in the wrong light, it is a decision that he does not agree with. I do believe that only time will tell what this life has in store for kindred spirits like ours, but in the mean time I will need to make new accommodations for my trip to South Africa. I thank all of the readers who have followed along with us thus far, and though my blog may be reaching it's end, I will be airing the unposted episodes of this series in the coming weeks. Thank you all! It's been a really, really wonderful ride. 

Episode 19: My Top 3 Long Distance Tricks

I don't know if anyone who reads this is in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) or knows people who are BUT I've got things to share!

Recently I've been feeling very stressed about figuring out my future with SAM. When are we going to close the distance? How? Jobs? Money? >_<! It's really hard to balance the unknown with your own hopeful and faithful state of mind, especially when you don't really have anything to reference. This brings me to the LDR resources that I've found lately and have really helped me calm my anxieties about the whole thing.

1. The Couple App: So far, couple has been great for SAM and I! It's like imessage except it's tailored to the two of you. You can "thumb kiss" which is basically both of you touching the screen in the same spot at the same time and generating a vibration through the phone. A pretty bad substitute for kissing but a good way to feel closer than you actually are. SAM and I also had a lot of fun sketching pictures to each other and together! on the app! Other fun features include those huge emojis we've grown to love on FB messenger, a "thinking of you" button that has come in handy with our time difference and sleeping schedules lol. And there's facetime and phone calls, there is just a ton of stuff in this app and I'm positive if you try it, you will definitely find something to love.
2. LDR magazine: LDR mag is an web-based magazine that has SOOOOO much to offer any long distance couple, whether you're miles or countries apart. All those worries I had before? Were soothed by the articles and couple features on this website. I spent maybe 2 days just basking in everything about LDR and it's definitely going to be a staple for me as I navigate through the ups and downs of this relationship.
3. Youtube: Who would have known SO many LDRs are on youtube!!!! and creating videos and blogs and just doing things I wish I could do, lol. Wow! I was so surprised to find all there was to offer on youtube and see how other people have approached their LDR. My favorite is Mattias and Leonie! Their LDR is so exciting and they are countries apart like SAM and I. Mattias is from Sweden I believe and Leonie is from Sydney, Australia! There is so much to look up to on the youtube vlogs, I highly suggest you check them out. 

These are my top 3 resources that I am using to help me get through some of my toughest thoughts about LDRs and I hope that others will find these resources helpful! The biggest thing I've seen on these sites is not to stress about closing the distance, crazier things have happened and good things come to those who wait :). 

P.S. if you're in the mood for a thought provoking movie about LDRs, check out "Like Crazy"

Episode 18: The road to love is paved with good intentions

It's been a while since I've written. I really have missed writing to you all
but for a while I just didn't know what to say.

So... where to start.

The communication issues between SAM and I spiraled out of control to the point that I'm not sure if either of us really knew where we stood on this entire relationship thing.The idea of being in a long distance relationship is not ideal, it is not fun, and it takes such a toll on your faith that sometimes it's hard to hold on to.

I've loved SAM because most of the time he makes it easy to be here. He puts just as much effort into me as I put into him (in different ways of course) and that always reminds me of where our love lies. But this time, everything seemed so confused and unclear. Neither of us could really verbalize how to "fix" what was wrong but if there was one thing that did continuously come up, it was how much neither of us really wanted to lose.

So maybe we're self-centered really. Maybe this is just a game to see who can win the ultimate prize, regardless of the cost or obstacles; and if it is then the universe certainly picked a perfect match.

We do this. 

And in fact I've learned so much about the benefits of being self-centered in a relationship. When it comes to SAM, it's true that I am "with" him or trying to be with him because I love him, but there's soooo much more to that.

I want SAM because of everything he is, and everything he could be.

What I've learned and grown to love about him is how considerate, caring, and respectful he is of me and my opinions. He actually listens to me when I need to tell him something and he tries to meet me at least half way whenever possible. He's comforting to me, he's honest, at times he is wise and he's almost always playful, like myself, so we always have a good time. As we have moved forward I think about all of these things as characteristics of someone I could continue to grow with. 

I want someone who is going to respect me and approach me with honesty and care, to be the person I wake up to every day. I want my children to be exposed to traditions and cultures that challenge their perceptions, & allow them to think outside of conventions. I want kids who are proud of their history the way Zulu men are. And I hope my family will  one day see  how hard we fought against our differences to pull our dreams together. I think everything I love about life & everything I value, is found in small quantities, somewhere in him. And I want that, maybe... forever. I want it for ME and MY life and I think he feels similarly about me.

So herein lies a lesson about when it's okay to be a little selfish in your relationship:

We are by no means perfect, he is by no means perfect. We have problems we have yet to solve and maybe never will and at that point who knows if we'll be met at this junction once again. But for now, I'm not ready to lose everything I want, and everything I want just happens to be in him ... even though we're working on our issues and we're not 100% together, I think we are giving all we've got just to have a chance at making it to the finish line. And even if it is selfish, I think that's our love.

"When all I ever needed was a good man, a lover, and a best friend. Someone to forgive me when I'm so wrong, and remind me what 'Welcome Home' is applied to love, love, love: anything can be love, and anywhere can be home."

My question to everyone else is: 

Do you "see" yourself with your partner? Are you selfish in that you see everything you want in them? And is that okay? Is it something that comes to the forefront more as we get older?

 I'd love to hear some feedback on this one, comment & share your thoughts!

Episode 17: When I get a man....

I didn't really want to do this but I felt like I had to.

Me and SAM's relationship has reached the breaking point in an extremely unfortunate turn of events and for the past two weeks my mind has just been whirling and emotional and crazy.

I don't know definitively what's going to happen, but I know how badly I'm going to miss this love. I would go into all the things that I'm going to miss but this blog essentially tells that story. Every post highlights all the things he has taught me and the happiness that he has brought me in the last couple of months. It also shows the hurt and hardship that we go through and ... sometimes the bad outweighs the good. If there were an opportunity to have him next to me I would take it. If I could just hug him and feel comforted one more time before giving it all up to be alone again.... I would take it. But that's not an option for us and...there is nothing that can be done about it right now.

I wish I could really explain what it feels like to be at this state of confusion and not know whether you're coming or going. It's heartbreaking. It feels like I just.... am helpless. Even now as this struggle continues, I can't even find an opportunity to get him on the phone, at least hear his voice and talk about things. Hope I don't make anyone sad with this one but.... I just didn't know how else to get it out. There's nothing left to say except that my heart is broken and I don't know what to do about it.

So I wanted to put white candle by Tamar Braxton but I couldn't find it so K. Michelle for kicks and giggles. Lighten the mood in here ;)

Episode 16: Where do we go from here?

I often battle with myself about doing what I'm doing here, with SAM and... I guess it's because I'm still making it up along the way. But I don't think he knows or realizes how much I get out of just speaking to him. We text a lot but we all know text is like ehh, more impersonal. Ugh, but when I get on the phone it's like ... that's him, that's the guy that you write a whole blog about, and go crazy about at the end of every week when he doesn't text you back and he's out at a party lol, and that's why.

He fills every awkward silence that my nervousness won't let me enter, and leaves me in laughter. I mean I know I laugh a lot in general but, I've definitely met a lot more people who fill those spaces with tears... and not the good kind. And every memory, story, moment we share is like a reminder of the best thing you've ever had. I think the difference between how I feel about SAM and how I've felt about other people is that, I could hang off the edge of a cliff (I wouldn't because I'm smart enough to know not to even approach the edge of a cliff) but I could be hanging there, and not fear a thing if he's there with me. He could be hanging, or he could be safe, whatever happens I know he won't let me feel anxious or alone. And I really can't describe how many years I've felt both anxious and alone... which sucks. So it's different, yeah, being miles and miles away but ... I guess if I was going to do this with anyone, it'd have to be someone who was worth it. And even though he makes me really upset sometimes, and he's really weird, and he thinks we'll have ugly kids.... he's still worth it. I hope it really works out someday, because you can go back and forth telling someone you love them all the time and they can know it's true but... it makes a big difference when they can feel it in the warmth of your hug, or the light of your smile, dimples in your cheeks. I think I could definitely struggle through life with SAM, as long as he wants to, too.

Bless the Telephone.

SAM has seen my blog and read some posts & the topic has come up as to whether he should contribute? If any of you lovely readers think it would benefit the blog to hear what SAM has to say about this mess, please cast your vote in a comment! I'll probably allow him to do so if just one other person thinks its a good idea. But if no one does then :P it's just me!

Episode 15: Confession of a Pills n' Potions addict

I listen to that song on repeat, like every day and I couldn't even tell you what what any of the lyrics are other than "pills & potions, we're overdosing, I'm angry but I still love you.... I still love (x1000)"

Nicki, you read my mind. 

Imagine this:
You're on a roller coaster that only goes up. Each moment you're climbing a new height, adrenaline on high, checkpoint by checkpoint it's the ride you never want to leave. And finally, you're at the top, crescendo. There's no where else to go but you're suspended there, looking down. All you see is what's beneath you, everything you've been avoiding on this ride up. You have a choice to make, and it seems clear, but you can't pass go. Why is that?

I'd like to know why I didn't do it, and if I ever really wanted to. I wasn't sure and suddenly..... I'm smirking now at the thought, that suddenly there was more track. Relationships are a mysterious thing to me, just as life is, and so when someone important loses their life... it affects everything. One day, I was ready to yell at SAM and tell him how I was done with this and literally the next day, I was begging to hear from him. I was scared, I was nervous, I was guilty, I was angry, I was everything all at once but none of that .... none of that could have compared to what I was sure he was feeling. And anything I thought before went out the window. This time, it wasn't about me, it was about the person that I love, his life and his heart that was unraveling right before his eyes.

I couldn't be there to support him. I couldn't hold his hand or sit outside with him while he tried to make sense of it all. I wanted so, so badly, to be the person he turned to and all I could do was send a text, and hope he allowed me to make a call. When he did I... stumbled over my words and tried to make sense of a situation that I obviously couldn't understand and... he laughed at me. If all I could get was the sound of his smile on the other end of my cellphone... it was enough.

Sigh, I say all that to say, that I love that guy. That 8,000 mile away guy. That please dear lord jesus let me find a way to see him again guy. That "calls me crazy every day" guy. 'Cause man, even when I was feeling SO ready to quit, life happened and I found myself right back on the ride that only goes up.

So what's the confession here? sigh, lol the confession is I probably right this blog to just get it OUT of me how much I love, love, love this guy and how really, really, REALLY silly it seems from a continent away. Sigh, but I can't help it.

So shoutout to SAM's new angel, I know that he lost someone so special but I feel like he gained an angel of blessings, somehow I feel I've gained something too. As tough as I know moving forward will be, all I can do is provide the unconditional love and support that I feel for him. I really do wonder what God & the universe has in store because at this rate.... this relationship has already gone farther than I anticipated (I hope it's nothing but beautiful, wonderful things). And shoutout to Steve, who donated last week and sent a message that in more ways than one left me speechless. I thank you for sending those positive vibes in my direction and I can't help but feel your words influenced my willingness to focus on something bigger than myself. You are quite possibly wiser than your years in this field of love ;)

Also, I'd love to hear from you guys in comments, shares, messages, texts, whatever! Do you honestly think that tragedies have more of a tendency of bringing couples closer or tearing them apart? I'd really love to know what anyone else has gone through in an unexpected situation. So, let me know what you think!

Episode 14: IF I wrote you a letter it would say:

I fall in love with people ever so intricately.
Not in the midst of it all, and not all at once.
It's only in their absence, when I can recall the way his eyes scrunch up in the sunlight or dodge to the left when he's uncomfortable.
The way he stutters when he says "Well, I always want to see you" on the phone. Do I really begin to pen all the ways I love him.

Such detail, such tiny, minute indications of emotion that only become evident when the story is played back to me behind shut eyelids. I've asked myself over and over again what it means to be "in it" with someone. What does it mean to never share a bed, or a drink, or a shiver down your spine with someone that you're "in it" with.

And it all boils down to the cinema of. The darkness where his voice comes into play and tells me about his day, his week, his month, his year. The pictures, the videos, the voice recordings that remind me of the real person that's behind this screen of imagination. WE are intricate pawns in a minds game of memory. A rocky van ride, where you calculate change faster than I could solve a simple math problem, and I'm in awe of the fact that you don't have tissue in your bathroom... or maybe in terror actually.

But regardless I always get a bit weepy eyed when the story of the indian taxi driver comes to play. When he says "I can tell he doesn't want you to leave", and begins to map out the story of our lives together. The children we never talked about, the marriage we never planned. He speaks so confidently as if he knows a secret that has yet to be revealed to us and gogo would have told me God whispered it in his ear for me.

It's just a little story of perfection, and how crazy it seemed then, but how wonderful it sounds now when you kind've replay it, squint your eye at it, and cock your head to the side. Yeah,I  can see it. Maybe it's possible to never leave. Maybe it's possible to have the wedding, and the babies, and the life spanned across two continents, maybe it's all a dream waiting to come true.

But you wipe those weepy eyes when you realize the intricacies have already been written. You may never know how that conversation ends. The stories, the films, the eye wide shut cinema that you fall in love with every day that it plays for you, is all subject to the advancement of time. The more time, the farther apart, the further we drift away from those feelings of knowing.

As I'm presently subject to doubt, I need you more than I needed you before. Just tell me, that you will write this life with me, you have to write this life with me... because without the magic you bring, I'm just a girl, falling in love with a paper and pen. Slowly and positively becoming unwritten.