Episode 22: Enough with the Melancholy

Soooo, I don't read over my own posts as they make me shout at myself "WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING!"

But the posts I have skimmed seem to be sort of melancholy.
Enough of that!

Some of you may know that I'm leaving for South Africa tomorrow, Christmas in Africa!
and you may be wondering, am I going to blog about it? Is SAM going to be apart of this trip? Will this be an EPIC winter/summer romance during the holiday season that they'll one day make a movie about on Lifetime?!?!?!?!

Hahaha, there are only soo many answers to those questions right? All I can say is that I am vowing to take as many random pictures as possible and I will only be posting them here (as opposed to my usual facebook posting).

So I'm not committing to any further blogging just yet, but pictures = yes! Check back here if you'd like to see how my trip to South Africa went this holiday season!

Expect changes in January, 2015 - see ya there! 

Happy Holidays & New Year from the Looking for Love Blog!

Episode 21: Being a woman.

It occurred to me the other day, how I learned what it means to be a woman. 

In two parts. 

The first, a poem. Listed here on this blog, Kings Day. I read it at NSBE’s Love Jones in college, on Valentines Day. It was inspired by SAM who always made me feel like the perfect woman.

 The second, a bit more dramatic and less glorious was also in college. Many things occurred that night, somewhere in between the intoxication and my friends getting into fights, crying, losing things … somewhere in between the mayhem of that night I realized I was leaving a house alone to go back to my dorm. I wasn't worried for myself, I mean I never really had a reason to be, but my friend had been crying and I had left her in the house without a cellphone. I wanted to make sure that she was okay even though I was leaving or at least had the opportunity to call me if the night got any worse; so I traced back our night to a house where she may have left her phone. 

 The house was familiar, one of my best friends lived there, his name was David. I called him, asked if I could come in to just look for the phone, he said sure- the door was open. [At this point I want to write, how much I want to preface this by saying don't worry the story isn't that bad- I’ll come back to this]. When I walked into David’s house I realized quickly that it was not empty. There were several men sitting in somewhat of a circle in his living room, I didn't know any of them… they didn't go to my school, except for one or two that were David’s roommates… David was nowhere in sight. I walked in, now self conscious and they began to berate me. Asking me to dance for them, in the middle of this circle, asking me where my friends were at, and when I didn’t respond ...as I was walking around the room looking for the phone, they began to call me other things. Some including the term “dirty”. 

 In most cases I’d become defensive, angry, and lash out at this group, but intoxicated as I was… all I remember feeling was small, embarrassed, scared, and belittled. When I realized that, these men were not going to stop taunting me and I was not going to find the phone, I decided to leave. As I reached the door, one of David’s roommates asked me if I was looking for sliding phone with “two bitches” on it. I said yes, and he revealed the phone in his hand. As his friends began to chant “make her work for it”, I decided to leave and he rushed to the door to hand me the phone and say sorry. 

 This was not a small moment for me, I’d never been in the position to be so disrespected. I left angry, and mostly at David … though he wasn’t in the room. I had wanted someone there to protect me, I had wanted someone there to tell them to just leave me alone. I was only trying to be a good friend and look out for someone who was hurting, and in the process I became the target. As my friend, I had an irrational idea that David should have been there to help me. However, I knew he had no control. He could have told me there were people downstairs and for that I was still upset, but what made it worse is when I asked him why he never came down he angrily replied to me that he was upstairs having sex. 

 I’ve never let this night leave me, though I thought I did. I don’t trust men. Moreover, I despised many of the men I went to college with. And as much as I hate to say it, they were the men of color that I knew, that treated women as if they were disposable. I’d watched friends cry year after year for events more volatile than the last, we were run over and run through and the worst part is! Even if I were to tell this story, my story, someone would be quick to tell me… it’s not that bad. 

 It is that bad. It is that bad for men to harass you, to treat you as less than what and who you are. To devalue you, and as a woman… what I learned that day is that…. we’re only one moment away from being another victim of another crime based on the fact… that we are women. On that night women were bitches, women were sex objects, women were entertainment and as for me… I was nothing and forever will remember what it feels like to be nothing in a room full of men.  

 What I learned on King’s Day is that I never needed anyone to tell me what my worth was, and I never needed anyone to fight my battles. But the man who made me feel like I could put down gloves, and swords, and guns and shields… the man who made me feel like I didn’t need to fight…. was the only man who ever showed me what it felt like to be royal.

 And I just wish every woman has the chance to feel her crown, but too many women never will. Too many women have to keep their heads down, keep their mouths shut, keep their memories so far in the back of their brains so as not to scar their flesh. For too many women, men are not to be trusted. And I hate to be another woman who understands why. 

Unfortunately, I will always hate the people involved in that night, but I won’t hate all men for it. In fact, I’ll thank my dad for always calling princess and SAM for reminding me of what a Queen could be. Without them, I don’t think I’d recognize what true beauty existed inside & out of me. Thank you. 

So I know it's real.

Dear Niomi,

Due to prolonged inactivity, your campaign will be set to 'Inactive Mode' in 3 days, and will no longer be publicly visible.  (-Gofundme campaign) honestly, just because I love this song.

Love is an act...

My minds eye still sees what no longer exists: insanity, blurred reality, or fantasies I'm suddenly victim to a war of worlds. I've heard love is an act of endless forgiveness. In this world he speaks to me so softly, in a tone of voice that begs forgiveness and uses words that I am weak for, "I love you", "dream girl", "marry me".

I, like so many before me, am unfortunately shackled to the robust images of white weddings, flowers, romance and perfection. And yet, as so many today recognize, there is a soft but not subtle, doubt that these things will ever come to be. And it is here, right in between my realms of reality and fantasy, where I'm pairing white orchids with empty bedsides, here is where I think of you and all your promises. I've never stopped believing that those promises were just as real and as true as you've always been. But I've also always known how far out of reach they can be. Although I've reached you many times, these short grasps were never whole enough to touch the promises of a life unlived. For you, I'd break the mold, skirt the line, and all the above. But in time, my greatest sacrifice, I find weakness & selfishness. It's here that we become distant, held in minute and hour hands that only touch in fortuitous fashion. For you, I'd jump minutes for hours, but for me, I hold on. In fear that your promises, my safety net, won't pull through.

I think at times that I am only half reality, but I am whole here in the makeshift world, the inception of my life and even now, writing this I can't tell whether this be poetry, prose, or a somber reality. Wish me luck without you, wish me love without you, wish me whole without you...

I think that's what Drake did. 

Love, Niomi

Episode 20: Too much of a good thing, Won't be good for long

I've been trying to avoid blogging, in order to get my head straight, but everything has just been weighing so heavily on me... I felt the need to get it out. 

I sat on my couch early this morning and watched Sex and the City re-runs (one of my fav. shows) and ran into the episode on soul mates. At 35 years old, Carrie Bradshaw had no male soul mate, and she wondered if she'd ever meet him. At 22, I could care less about soul mates, and though I'm not 35, I feel I will never be concerned about having a soul mate.

But in the interim, I have this guy who is driving me crazy. And whenever asked what our future will hold, I don't know the answer. The only response I manage to muster is that, I don't think I'll ever find another guy like him. And that scares me.

Does that mean we're soul mates?

Probably not.

I don't know what the criteria is for soul mates, but hopefully its more than a paranoia of only ever caring for one person and no one else (but isn't that how people use the term anyway?) Regardless! I would take SAM for a soulmate. I would take him and keep him and live a life with a mated soul, sure. Except... we never get it right.

For the month of July (our trial month) I was in love with SAM. He was perfect I was happy, and guess what?! I booked a flight to South Africa! for December to spend time with this guy that I just knew was time we needed.
For the month of August? I don't know who he is. I don't know what he wants. I feel like I'm piecing together the most elusive puzzle and I'M TIRED of dealing with it. I'm so worn and torn about asking the same thing, JUST TALK TO ME.

You would think it would be the simplest request, especially in a long distance relationship, but it isn't. No matter how hard I try I can't get him to consistently speak with me. Weeks can go by and nothing, Which begs the question: was July just a fluke month because he thought I was really through with him? And if that's the case I don't want to continue being with someone who only finds it convenient to speak with me when he thinks I'm leaving.

Trouble is.... now I've booked a flight to South Africa. And come December, I will be there. Unfortunately, I feel like this relationship won't last until December. So I'll just be in South Africa just..... hanging out? I guess. With my host family, who literally lives within a 5 minute walking distance from SAM. sigh. It will be the hottest mess of the year. And I'm terrified of being overwhelmed with emotion. No matter how angry I get and how neglected and dejected I feel, I still know that despite it all SAM is a great person and a really caring individual. He really does make me happy and meet every little distinguishment I've conjured for my life. When I was there, it wasn't all bliss but it was still so..... good. I wish that I could always look past his faults to say that we're struggling but we can make it.

But that's just not who I am. So my mind is heavy, and my heart is heavy. At best I could see us agreeing to be friends but ... I can't commit to someone that I don't know. And I can't know someone, that I never speak to. It's as simple (and as complicated) as that.

P.S. I apologize about the promised SAM post. As you can see things haven't been very stable, but if we ever get it together before its over... the post will be made! 

P.P.S. Additionally, this relationship with SAM has still managed to bring me good fortune as one of my posts was published TODAY! in LDR magazine:  http://www.ldrmagazine.com/?p=6837 . It's actually the antithesis of this post, so maybe I still have a lot to learn lol.

UPDATE: As fate would have it, unfortunately, SAM and I's relationship met it's end yesterday. It's been a hard decision for the both of us and to assure that he is not being presented in the wrong light, it is a decision that he does not agree with. I do believe that only time will tell what this life has in store for kindred spirits like ours, but in the mean time I will need to make new accommodations for my trip to South Africa. I thank all of the readers who have followed along with us thus far, and though my blog may be reaching it's end, I will be airing the unposted episodes of this series in the coming weeks. Thank you all! It's been a really, really wonderful ride. 

Episode 19: My Top 3 Long Distance Tricks

I don't know if anyone who reads this is in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) or knows people who are BUT I've got things to share!

Recently I've been feeling very stressed about figuring out my future with SAM. When are we going to close the distance? How? Jobs? Money? >_<! It's really hard to balance the unknown with your own hopeful and faithful state of mind, especially when you don't really have anything to reference. This brings me to the LDR resources that I've found lately and have really helped me calm my anxieties about the whole thing.

1. The Couple App: So far, couple has been great for SAM and I! It's like imessage except it's tailored to the two of you. You can "thumb kiss" which is basically both of you touching the screen in the same spot at the same time and generating a vibration through the phone. A pretty bad substitute for kissing but a good way to feel closer than you actually are. SAM and I also had a lot of fun sketching pictures to each other and together! on the app! Other fun features include those huge emojis we've grown to love on FB messenger, a "thinking of you" button that has come in handy with our time difference and sleeping schedules lol. And there's facetime and phone calls, there is just a ton of stuff in this app and I'm positive if you try it, you will definitely find something to love.
2. LDR magazine: LDR mag is an web-based magazine that has SOOOOO much to offer any long distance couple, whether you're miles or countries apart. All those worries I had before? Were soothed by the articles and couple features on this website. I spent maybe 2 days just basking in everything about LDR and it's definitely going to be a staple for me as I navigate through the ups and downs of this relationship.
3. Youtube: Who would have known SO many LDRs are on youtube!!!! and creating videos and blogs and just doing things I wish I could do, lol. Wow! I was so surprised to find all there was to offer on youtube and see how other people have approached their LDR. My favorite is Mattias and Leonie! Their LDR is so exciting and they are countries apart like SAM and I. Mattias is from Sweden I believe and Leonie is from Sydney, Australia! There is so much to look up to on the youtube vlogs, I highly suggest you check them out. 

These are my top 3 resources that I am using to help me get through some of my toughest thoughts about LDRs and I hope that others will find these resources helpful! The biggest thing I've seen on these sites is not to stress about closing the distance, crazier things have happened and good things come to those who wait :). 

P.S. if you're in the mood for a thought provoking movie about LDRs, check out "Like Crazy"

Episode 18: The road to love is paved with good intentions

It's been a while since I've written. I really have missed writing to you all
but for a while I just didn't know what to say.

So... where to start.

The communication issues between SAM and I spiraled out of control to the point that I'm not sure if either of us really knew where we stood on this entire relationship thing.The idea of being in a long distance relationship is not ideal, it is not fun, and it takes such a toll on your faith that sometimes it's hard to hold on to.

I've loved SAM because most of the time he makes it easy to be here. He puts just as much effort into me as I put into him (in different ways of course) and that always reminds me of where our love lies. But this time, everything seemed so confused and unclear. Neither of us could really verbalize how to "fix" what was wrong but if there was one thing that did continuously come up, it was how much neither of us really wanted to lose.

So maybe we're self-centered really. Maybe this is just a game to see who can win the ultimate prize, regardless of the cost or obstacles; and if it is then the universe certainly picked a perfect match.

We do this. 

And in fact I've learned so much about the benefits of being self-centered in a relationship. When it comes to SAM, it's true that I am "with" him or trying to be with him because I love him, but there's soooo much more to that.

I want SAM because of everything he is, and everything he could be.

What I've learned and grown to love about him is how considerate, caring, and respectful he is of me and my opinions. He actually listens to me when I need to tell him something and he tries to meet me at least half way whenever possible. He's comforting to me, he's honest, at times he is wise and he's almost always playful, like myself, so we always have a good time. As we have moved forward I think about all of these things as characteristics of someone I could continue to grow with. 

I want someone who is going to respect me and approach me with honesty and care, to be the person I wake up to every day. I want my children to be exposed to traditions and cultures that challenge their perceptions, & allow them to think outside of conventions. I want kids who are proud of their history the way Zulu men are. And I hope my family will  one day see  how hard we fought against our differences to pull our dreams together. I think everything I love about life & everything I value, is found in small quantities, somewhere in him. And I want that, maybe... forever. I want it for ME and MY life and I think he feels similarly about me.

So herein lies a lesson about when it's okay to be a little selfish in your relationship:

We are by no means perfect, he is by no means perfect. We have problems we have yet to solve and maybe never will and at that point who knows if we'll be met at this junction once again. But for now, I'm not ready to lose everything I want, and everything I want just happens to be in him ... even though we're working on our issues and we're not 100% together, I think we are giving all we've got just to have a chance at making it to the finish line. And even if it is selfish, I think that's our love.

"When all I ever needed was a good man, a lover, and a best friend. Someone to forgive me when I'm so wrong, and remind me what 'Welcome Home' is applied to love, love, love: anything can be love, and anywhere can be home."

My question to everyone else is: 

Do you "see" yourself with your partner? Are you selfish in that you see everything you want in them? And is that okay? Is it something that comes to the forefront more as we get older?

 I'd love to hear some feedback on this one, comment & share your thoughts!

Episode 17: When I get a man....

I didn't really want to do this but I felt like I had to.

Me and SAM's relationship has reached the breaking point in an extremely unfortunate turn of events and for the past two weeks my mind has just been whirling and emotional and crazy.

I don't know definitively what's going to happen, but I know how badly I'm going to miss this love. I would go into all the things that I'm going to miss but this blog essentially tells that story. Every post highlights all the things he has taught me and the happiness that he has brought me in the last couple of months. It also shows the hurt and hardship that we go through and ... sometimes the bad outweighs the good. If there were an opportunity to have him next to me I would take it. If I could just hug him and feel comforted one more time before giving it all up to be alone again.... I would take it. But that's not an option for us and...there is nothing that can be done about it right now.

I wish I could really explain what it feels like to be at this state of confusion and not know whether you're coming or going. It's heartbreaking. It feels like I just.... am helpless. Even now as this struggle continues, I can't even find an opportunity to get him on the phone, at least hear his voice and talk about things. Hope I don't make anyone sad with this one but.... I just didn't know how else to get it out. There's nothing left to say except that my heart is broken and I don't know what to do about it.

So I wanted to put white candle by Tamar Braxton but I couldn't find it so K. Michelle for kicks and giggles. Lighten the mood in here ;)

Episode 16: Where do we go from here?

I often battle with myself about doing what I'm doing here, with SAM and... I guess it's because I'm still making it up along the way. But I don't think he knows or realizes how much I get out of just speaking to him. We text a lot but we all know text is like ehh, more impersonal. Ugh, but when I get on the phone it's like ... that's him, that's the guy that you write a whole blog about, and go crazy about at the end of every week when he doesn't text you back and he's out at a party lol, and that's why.

He fills every awkward silence that my nervousness won't let me enter, and leaves me in laughter. I mean I know I laugh a lot in general but, I've definitely met a lot more people who fill those spaces with tears... and not the good kind. And every memory, story, moment we share is like a reminder of the best thing you've ever had. I think the difference between how I feel about SAM and how I've felt about other people is that, I could hang off the edge of a cliff (I wouldn't because I'm smart enough to know not to even approach the edge of a cliff) but I could be hanging there, and not fear a thing if he's there with me. He could be hanging, or he could be safe, whatever happens I know he won't let me feel anxious or alone. And I really can't describe how many years I've felt both anxious and alone... which sucks. So it's different, yeah, being miles and miles away but ... I guess if I was going to do this with anyone, it'd have to be someone who was worth it. And even though he makes me really upset sometimes, and he's really weird, and he thinks we'll have ugly kids.... he's still worth it. I hope it really works out someday, because you can go back and forth telling someone you love them all the time and they can know it's true but... it makes a big difference when they can feel it in the warmth of your hug, or the light of your smile, dimples in your cheeks. I think I could definitely struggle through life with SAM, as long as he wants to, too.

Bless the Telephone.

SAM has seen my blog and read some posts & the topic has come up as to whether he should contribute? If any of you lovely readers think it would benefit the blog to hear what SAM has to say about this mess, please cast your vote in a comment! I'll probably allow him to do so if just one other person thinks its a good idea. But if no one does then :P it's just me!

Episode 15: Confession of a Pills n' Potions addict

I listen to that song on repeat, like every day and I couldn't even tell you what what any of the lyrics are other than "pills & potions, we're overdosing, I'm angry but I still love you.... I still love (x1000)"

Nicki, you read my mind. 

Imagine this:
You're on a roller coaster that only goes up. Each moment you're climbing a new height, adrenaline on high, checkpoint by checkpoint it's the ride you never want to leave. And finally, you're at the top, crescendo. There's no where else to go but you're suspended there, looking down. All you see is what's beneath you, everything you've been avoiding on this ride up. You have a choice to make, and it seems clear, but you can't pass go. Why is that?

I'd like to know why I didn't do it, and if I ever really wanted to. I wasn't sure and suddenly..... I'm smirking now at the thought, that suddenly there was more track. Relationships are a mysterious thing to me, just as life is, and so when someone important loses their life... it affects everything. One day, I was ready to yell at SAM and tell him how I was done with this and literally the next day, I was begging to hear from him. I was scared, I was nervous, I was guilty, I was angry, I was everything all at once but none of that .... none of that could have compared to what I was sure he was feeling. And anything I thought before went out the window. This time, it wasn't about me, it was about the person that I love, his life and his heart that was unraveling right before his eyes.

I couldn't be there to support him. I couldn't hold his hand or sit outside with him while he tried to make sense of it all. I wanted so, so badly, to be the person he turned to and all I could do was send a text, and hope he allowed me to make a call. When he did I... stumbled over my words and tried to make sense of a situation that I obviously couldn't understand and... he laughed at me. If all I could get was the sound of his smile on the other end of my cellphone... it was enough.

Sigh, I say all that to say, that I love that guy. That 8,000 mile away guy. That please dear lord jesus let me find a way to see him again guy. That "calls me crazy every day" guy. 'Cause man, even when I was feeling SO ready to quit, life happened and I found myself right back on the ride that only goes up.

So what's the confession here? sigh, lol the confession is I probably right this blog to just get it OUT of me how much I love, love, love this guy and how really, really, REALLY silly it seems from a continent away. Sigh, but I can't help it.

So shoutout to SAM's new angel, I know that he lost someone so special but I feel like he gained an angel of blessings, somehow I feel I've gained something too. As tough as I know moving forward will be, all I can do is provide the unconditional love and support that I feel for him. I really do wonder what God & the universe has in store because at this rate.... this relationship has already gone farther than I anticipated (I hope it's nothing but beautiful, wonderful things). And shoutout to Steve, who donated last week and sent a message that in more ways than one left me speechless. I thank you for sending those positive vibes in my direction and I can't help but feel your words influenced my willingness to focus on something bigger than myself. You are quite possibly wiser than your years in this field of love ;)

Also, I'd love to hear from you guys in comments, shares, messages, texts, whatever! Do you honestly think that tragedies have more of a tendency of bringing couples closer or tearing them apart? I'd really love to know what anyone else has gone through in an unexpected situation. So, let me know what you think!

Episode 14: IF I wrote you a letter it would say:

I fall in love with people ever so intricately.
Not in the midst of it all, and not all at once.
It's only in their absence, when I can recall the way his eyes scrunch up in the sunlight or dodge to the left when he's uncomfortable.
The way he stutters when he says "Well, I always want to see you" on the phone. Do I really begin to pen all the ways I love him.

Such detail, such tiny, minute indications of emotion that only become evident when the story is played back to me behind shut eyelids. I've asked myself over and over again what it means to be "in it" with someone. What does it mean to never share a bed, or a drink, or a shiver down your spine with someone that you're "in it" with.

And it all boils down to the cinema of. The darkness where his voice comes into play and tells me about his day, his week, his month, his year. The pictures, the videos, the voice recordings that remind me of the real person that's behind this screen of imagination. WE are intricate pawns in a minds game of memory. A rocky van ride, where you calculate change faster than I could solve a simple math problem, and I'm in awe of the fact that you don't have tissue in your bathroom... or maybe in terror actually.

But regardless I always get a bit weepy eyed when the story of the indian taxi driver comes to play. When he says "I can tell he doesn't want you to leave", and begins to map out the story of our lives together. The children we never talked about, the marriage we never planned. He speaks so confidently as if he knows a secret that has yet to be revealed to us and gogo would have told me God whispered it in his ear for me.

It's just a little story of perfection, and how crazy it seemed then, but how wonderful it sounds now when you kind've replay it, squint your eye at it, and cock your head to the side. Yeah,I  can see it. Maybe it's possible to never leave. Maybe it's possible to have the wedding, and the babies, and the life spanned across two continents, maybe it's all a dream waiting to come true.

But you wipe those weepy eyes when you realize the intricacies have already been written. You may never know how that conversation ends. The stories, the films, the eye wide shut cinema that you fall in love with every day that it plays for you, is all subject to the advancement of time. The more time, the farther apart, the further we drift away from those feelings of knowing.

As I'm presently subject to doubt, I need you more than I needed you before. Just tell me, that you will write this life with me, you have to write this life with me... because without the magic you bring, I'm just a girl, falling in love with a paper and pen. Slowly and positively becoming unwritten.

Episode 13: Trouble in Paradise

Without SAM, these past few weeks have been intolerable.

Even though, I reached 300 votes on 1stclassfashion.com, they won't be giving me the prize. I literally felt so crushed and distraught at the idea of another opportunity being snatched away from me, that the impossibility of this relationship began to weigh so heavily on my mind and my heart. I'm usually the optimist, but with all these life transitions I've been making it's been so hard to find SAM in the chaos. Even after trying to reach out to him, it just feels like there really is too much distance between us.

Additionally, for the first time really... I'm jealous. I feel like it's not a typical jealousy... or maybe it is  (I'm not really used to feeling jealous). But on top of just being sad about not having the chance I wanted to see SAM again, I'm so jealous of everyone who does get to see him. People that get to hang out with him every day and talk to him. I feel like I probably care more than any ONE of them and I work so hard and yet I'm the one who gets denied the simplest joys. I don't even get to tell him these things ... my entire blog audience will know this information before he does, and how could that not be hurtful.

I think the entire situation is just becoming somewhat of an emotional burden to me, and as much as I looooove SAM, I just can't keep failing at this. As hard as I try, sometimes I just want to win. And I'm losing it, I'm losing all of my resilience. In everything that I wanted for this relationship I'm just finally writing it off. I'd actually really, really hate to lose SAM because I do think we have something so beautiful, with so much potential but I guess no one can really live this way, can they? We're too poor, and apparently too unlucky to see this thing through.

And even though I'm on my last leg here, I'm still not ready to give up. Sigh, I tried, I really tried to talk myself into being okay with calling it quits but, not only do I haaaaate being a quitter, but I just hate the idea of really, seriously, never seeing him again or talking to him, or anything.

This is the beginning of a broken heart, but now I've got too much life to concentrate on, to even begin to mend it. I guess it's all in the divine plan of the universe now, if it was meant to happen I guess it would.

Episode 12: Define Fear

People always ask what your biggest fear is?
and some people will say "our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate. but that we are powerful beyond reason"

.... I'm gonna go with inadequate and scared.

Which is exactly how I felt when the doctor said you have four abnormalities in your chest.
Unidentifiable, lumpy, something in your chest more specifically, your breast.
Both of them. 

Followed by the lovely referral to diagnostics that said:

HEY NIOMI! Congrats! you've been chosen to get a breast sonogram to make sure you 

DON'T HAVE CANCER. 

Inadequate? Mortified....Terrified.
Ask any average girl what she knows about breast cancer, and she'll tell you... lumps.
That's all they tell us! Check your breasts for lumps
you got lumps? you got cancer.

So suddenly it was real and something needed to be done. Referrals, ultrasounds, biopsy. All in the middle of classes, job searches, LIFE. I'm a psychology major and so if any of you know anything about mental stress, you would know that poor health can put a serious strain on mental health, fluctuate stress levels, impact performance and if YOU KNEW you had cancer... you'd be a little stressed out too.

The worst part about it, is that cancer doesn't really give you some huge tell tale signs. It could just be there one day completely unexpected, and take your life the next. Diagnoses were inconclusive. Everyone said the same thing, we all knew something was in there... we just didn't know what. Breast tissue in young women is too dense for mammograms and even difficult for ultrasounds. While breast cancer generally has a low mortality rate for older women,  in young women? it's usually terminal. 

Suddenly my life was consumed with cancer. The books I was reading, the movies I watched, the conversations I had, EVERYTHING, unintentionally reminded me about the unidentified lumps. Well everything except for SAM.

When your grades are slipping, your mind is reeling, and all things in your life seem to be crashing together mercilessly, if you just have one person to tell you, "I'm here for you and you can tell me anything and I'll stay calm for you." It's just enough to remind you that you're human. And you can't always protect everyone else because sometimes.... you're helpless, you're not as strong as you want to be, you need so. much. and the person who needs the most protection is you.

SAM did that to the best of his ability. He was terrified but he was willing to listen to my fears, my morbid jokes, and my sometimes AWFUL conversation lol. He didn't want me to die, he didn't want me to talk about cancer or dying, he didn't want to freak out about anything that wasn't written in stone. And in more ways than one, that was comforting. When someone just checks in to make sure you're okay. Knows you're struggling, gives you a reason to smile. Convinces you it will work out in the end, and never lets your faith down... hey, that might be a person worth keeping around.

This story doesn't have a happy ending, or an ending period. I deferred my biopsy until after graduation so as far an anyone's concerned I'm still in limbo. But hey! life gives you all types of challenges I'm just happy to be on top, with my faith, and my support system even if some of them are farther than I'd like them to be...

I'm still blessed. 

Thank you to everyone who has been taking this journey with me! 

I'm on my way to cross that stage at Lehigh University Class of '14 grad ceremony and

 I couldn't think of a better gift IN LIFE than to be able to get a hug from this incredible human being in South Africa. 

It would mean EVERYTHING TO ME if you guys would help me out! 

I've entered a contest to win flight tickets to south africa (again) and if you just CLICK THIS LINK and LIKE MY PHOTO, I could win!!! I just need 300 likes to get there so PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help me out and like the photo. Share it with even just one more friend and ask them to like it too! I'd really appreciate the help guys and I've got one month to do this and if you help I'll love you forever!!!

P.S. I know this was a tough topic but if you have a thought on it , share it in a comment! Or tell me what you would do in SAM's position, and someone you cared about shared similar news with you.

Episode 11: Put You On the Team!

Check-In: It's been about a week since I've last gotten a chance to write and it feels like a LIFETIME! My life has been on a roller coaster lately and it is the SCARIEST thing in the history of the world, but I'm living it. Anyway, I realize I haven't been mentioning blissful moments lately so TODAY! we shall get into the bliss of long distance.

SO! Saaaaaam is .... wow, I don't even know what to say, he's just different... for me anyway. He just really indulges me. For instance,  I told him I wanted a picture, he sends me 5, plus  voice recordings and ALMOST a video but I think he forgot about that lol. And the other day we were playing with an app to see if we would have ugly kids or not (don't pretend like you haven't done it!) and .... turns out SAM thinks our kids are ugly unless they have some photo editing sooo... there's that. But otherwise it's really nice to get attached to my phone sometimes and just make our own little fun. It's different because in South Africa, we would text all the time but then we would see each other and talk and hang out and now we don't have that option. BUT!

Ladies and Gentlemen I forgot to mention that I have been dutifully trying to get back to my love. Most recently, by trying to get the attention of natural hair blogger HEYFRANHEY! So basically Fran is offering one of her subscribers tickets to go anywhere in the world [naturally you know where I want to go] ...

Straight to South Africa to make good on all my promises!!! 

It's only 5 days worth of a trip but I could use those 5 days!!! And all I can imagine is just the moment I get off that plane and he's there, and I'm there, and you've got that face of someone who hasn't seen someone they think about everyday for a year, and then suddenly its just happened... and all these scary, exciting emotions come rushing into you and you don't know whether you're going to scream or collapse or puke. ..... lol yeah that's definitely what it will be like. But he is calm; so maybe SAM will hug me, and tell me that he missed me. And maybe we will take a taxi van back to Chesterville/Cato Manor and I'll take in the sights, sounds, and smells of the country I've secretly missed ever since America called me home. I can meet his mom or maybe his dad, and they will look at me funny as I try to impress them with my Zulu, which is awful.


Or I'll visit my South African granny and little sister and everyone! Take pictures to share with everyone who has been supporting me on this blog, supporting my journey, sharing their advice and experiences with me. It would just be sigh, Amazing. I know some people out there are going to read this and be like oh snap! I want to go somewhere! You're more than entitled to feel that way, but if there are others of you out there who really want to see this win, I'd love if you throw a shout out for me with HEYFRANHEY. You could link this blog in there (I know I did), or just like my comment, send her an e-mail, or even post a comment yourself and maybe she'll see just how desperate I am  passionate we all are about keeping love alive over here. But don't worry, even if I don't win, I'm not giving up. I got to make it back at least once to remind myself that this is all real.

#Team Special Delivery <3!!

Me & Lil Sis Zinhle!

P.S. I try to make this blog a complete reflection of what SAM and I go through in a long distance relationship in hopes that it's helpful for others. BUT, have I become the bearer of bad news? Do we need more positivity on this blog or are we doing alright? Let me know! Comment, Share, and.....

LIKE the new Facebook page if you're addicted to the book like I am ^_^ : https://www.facebook.com/foolsfallin

Episode 10: Man Down (contd.)

There had been a couple of days or weeks that had gone by in which I felt that... SAM just didn't feel the need to make time for me. We hadn't spoken (which is our primary way of keeping in touch) and every time he or I tried to initiate conversation someone was always busy or it just went nowhere. In general, we had Hi and Bye conversations, that ended as soon as they had begun. Some of you may be familiar with the "hi and bye" convo, try doing that with someone thousands of miles away

-____- pretty pointless huh?

So I was upset. The kind of upset that was maybe a little passive-aggressive, and I decided that in order to combat my anger I should just not care at all. Probably red flag number 1: the solution to anger is never really to just ignore, avoid, and disregard everything.  BUT I'm a veteran at this so yeah, that was me. 

Well to make a long story short, one thing lead to another SAM brought up the issues and I was just itching to let him have it! I'd already made up my mind that I didn't want to do this anymore, that I had enough things to worry about, I didn't need another, and that I just didn't care about the relationship, I still cared about him just not "us". And the excuses just kept coming, rushing out of me like some sudden like a broken faucet. For the first time in a while I felt empowered to take hold of a situation that was bothering me and change it (possibly not for the better). I ended my rant with something along the lines of "there's no solution". 

No solution? No chance, no hope. 

What was SAM's initial response? Eish. 

I figured I had him, I'd done this before so I knew he would just like give up and say I'm right and we'd split up amicably (sort of). Though it hurt me to think that way, I was overwhelmed and just needed or even craved to have one less problem in my life and this particular one seemed the most easily managed.

Well, following that Eish, came the real kicker. It was the text from SAM that said, I understand what you're feeling, I'm feeling it too but the difference between you and I is that, I'll never stop caring and I'll never stop loving you.

and there was this little brief squeal that must've escaped me as I felt my heart being crushed under the burden of reading those words. The sudden regret for my hastiness, the sudden realization of my ever-present tendency to leave people selfishly and naively. When someone is miles away from you, this should be the easiest relationship to run from and yet... I found myself wondering why I couldn't pass "Go". SAM is my yellow traffic light (car robot if you must). When I've gone from 0 to 60, I'm ready to hit the highway, no rearview mirrors, no turning back he just does something that says "slow down". And as I'm still revving the engine at the stop light I realize.... I've got no tires, I'm running on E, and everything about this trip is completely unprepared and I'm exhausted (this is probably usually where I would start crying, didn't cry though!).

I gave it one more shot, told him there was nothing we could do (I'm a gladiator in these sorts of battles), but he sent me the message that asked me to just try. 

In the long run I always look back on these moments and wonder why I didn't try harder, could it be because no one ever asked me to? No one has ever expected me to care deeper than what I've exposed on the surface? If you love someone, and they ask you to try, you do it. Even if it doesn't work, even if you can't follow all the way through, you just try. Because one day you'll look back on the one bad moment out of all the good ones and wonder why you didn't.

We haven't actually resolved the problems that drove us apart in the first place, some weekends are still a little worse than others but... hey he's in South Africa for pete's sake! It's not like the easiest mediating situation. But I'll work it out with him, because he doesn't give up on me... and maybe... just maybe... every time I thought I was giving up on someone else, I was really just giving up on myself, 

and maybe I should stop thinking that's okay.

So you all must know by now I think this is completely nuts lol, what would you say? Is it normal to have these kinds of arguments in a relationship? What about long distance (say thousands of miles worth)? Are we really cut out for this, ARE WE GONNA MAKE IT!? 

Let me know what you think! comment, share, love, peace, happiness, thanks! <3

Episode 9: Oh Mama I Just Shot a Man Down

First off, I'm SO excited to be here! On this blog, finally writing another post freely. I've been feeling so restricted from doing anything I enjoy lately so this is a much needed relief. Second, a HUGE thank you to everyone who is reading/ commenting/ donating (Denise Cooper thank youuu!), I have to say you guys are HUGELY inspirational. Naturally, this blog is dedicated to my relationship with SAM and more often than not I draw from our experiences, but every time I receive feedback from someone who has read the blog or believes in it, I am hugely motivated to believe that I'm involved in something positive and not completely insane, lol so Thank you for that as I truly, truly appreciate it.  NOW! To the story!

Okay so, I am not typically a calm, cool, and collected person when it comes to relationships. I mean generally, in working situations, I do very well under pressure! However, in relationships I just don't. Reason being? I don't like being unnecessarily unhappy, and I never understand why it is a requirement within relationships to deal with unhappiness or discontent for/with your partner or friends for that matter. That being said, at any given moment of extended disenchantment I just give up. lol I vehemently throw in the towel; can't fight , won't fight, done before it even began.... that's me.

Naturally, I haven't been in too many long-term relationships!
Consider that the first ingredient to the recipe of destruction.

Then we have SAM, a routined "party boy" (Party boy is kind of a derogatory term so take it lightly, it's just how I describe people). Anyway, SAM is generally reliable, he works around a pretty ordinary schedule (wake up early, school, random activities, home, sleep) so I always know good times to contact him.

The weekend for instance, is a terrible time to contact him! Why? Because he travels back to his old neighborhood (where I met him) to go out drinking with friends until like 2-3 a.m. (which happens very routinely unless he has an exam or something). This DOES NOT stop him however, from contacting me on the weekends and even video chatting me, while drunk and with friends. If you know me, you can already see the problem here.

It's not that I don't want him out or that I think a party is a problem. No, no, no I do my thing on the weekend as well but when I say SAM is drinking I mean hes is drunk lol, drunk enough to message me with the intention of letting me know just how drunk he is. I don't usually go that far in my rendezvous.

Now, let's stir the pot and add in a pinch of neglect:

Like I said, I'm naturally overwhelmed in relationships with a high tendency to freak out and abandon the situation, and SAM, sometimes, ignores my texts. Sure! he doesn't want to admit that he ignores them but since I can be a little neurotic I've already pretty much observed his "texting behaviors"/ his daily routine and can easily tell when something is out of order (some of you are thinking I'm crazy at this point, those same individuals know they do this too!!! they just don't like to admit it.). We all, pretty much perform some variation of this, you know when your partner is acting weird because if you knew nothing about their behavior and their daily life you wouldn't be with them.

So when I'm feeling ignored and you are answering my texts hours later, or not addressing a question I've asked you, and then! messaging me while you are out partying and drunk. Yes, I feel some type of way. Not a way that is easily expressed either.

Thus..... the meltdown.

Episode 8: Stop throwing ROCKS!!!!

...at glass houses.

I wanted to tell him, that we'd reached our breaking point.
There was nothing left for us... this thing ... what even is this?
We're not talking, you're out partying, I'm out partying too but we don't... we just don't.

We don't belong together.

I'm here, you're there. We can't make this work.
It's impossible.
It's even more impossible because we're not speaking. Lives are diverging more and more each day.

That's what I wanted to say, that's what I had meant to say but then, I remembered this is what I always do. I don't... work at things. I just let them die and sure maybe I will regret it one day but today! today it is too much for me to handle, and today I cannot address the multitude of problems accumulating in this mess.

CLEAN IT UP or THROW IT AWAY mom always said.

I usually choose the latter. But then he did that thing he does... that umm... loving me thing?, yeah... he did that. He said Niomi! I know what you're saying, I feel the same way, but the difference between you and I is that, I never stop loving and I never stop caring.

What do you say to that?

You say: Every guy says that! This is what happened the last time! STOP TALKING! I can't do this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry? I'm not sorry. I love you? I do love you. I'm confused. I'm tired. Help me. Something is broken.

and he says: Just try.

I'm trying. I love you.

For inspiring me to be everything, I've only seen on tv screens. You'll never be a motivational speaker baby, but you'll always be a muse for me.

Living with/out you is artistry aka
 (there's levels to this ish*)

Epsiode 7: Soul Searching

Whoever you are out there who continued to read my blog after it's "end all" post a few weeks back, Thank you. 

I had no idea if I would be back here, writing this story. To tell you the truth my life has been nothing short of chaotic and stressful and seriously introspective these last few days, and this blog posed so many challenges to who I am fundamentally.

First off, I HATE that SAM reads this blog. I hate that his friends read it and tell him about it. I hate that my last few page views were from South Africa and I hate that my story is no longer mine once it reaches this threshold.

I like SAM the way he is, which is... often confused, always funny, usually attentive, honest, and persistent. That's all I ever want from that man and all I will ever expect. For some reason however, I felt the popularity of the blog and the writing was overshadowing the person. I write SAM the way I feel him in my heart, and so sometimes I write him extra loving or extra caring or just plain EXTRA. But he's just a normal guy and I like him that way. He makes mistakes and he doesn't profess his love for me every hour, on the hour because... I wouldn't like that. And yet somehow I felt our relationship was becoming a work of fiction, with the input of several hundred views I... could no longer control the impact a love story would have on the love itself.

It repelled me to believe that my normal guy was suddenly some prince charming... I didn't sign up for that. I'm no damsel, I'm no princess, I'm just me ... and that should be JUST enough for him. Not more than enough and not too little, we're just the right amount of imperfection and no matter how many episodes of this blog I write if there is one thing I cherish, it's the authenticity of knowing... that .... there is a real person behind the character. ... a person that never smiles in pictures, cracks his knuckles more times than necessary, sometimes ignores my texts messages, but never lets me go.

I've let you, reading this, into my world, and for a while I was sure you would destroy it. You would make everything genuine into a fantasy... but then, then I tried to give up and well... I realized that no one can do unto me, what I have not allowed. My own inhibitions, fears and doubts have much to do with how I experience my world and the things I hold sacred within it.

This is my sacred heart on display. 

Please don't touch the exhibit... it's fragile, 

but enjoy the view. 
Thank you.

Do you guys think I should continue this blog? Or would you like to know why I'm back? Let me know in a comment, a share, or a subscription. Love your feedback as always <3

I've quit writing this blog.

For now.

Minisode 1: Message from the author

I took a break from shamelessly promoting my blog recently because I was REALLY, REALLY, down. So many things happen on a daily basis that just.... exhaust me emotionally and then honest to god writing this blog just reminds me of all the things I love that I can't have. It's pretty masochistic but also a labor of love.

I'm hoping:
A) someone out there is inspired by this, and
B) someone out there is willing to help.

But anyway I just say that to say, that this blog is.... not always the easiest and I hope that the people who read,  really appreciate the honesty that I put out there because it's something I know you don't always find anymore.

So yeah, please don't be afraid to tell your friends, parents, aunt and uncles about this blog if you're into it, you're never too young or too old to share some wisdom and I'm always looking for answers. And subscribe! If you're never on facebook but would like to keep up with the episodes. I love getting the feedback that you guys are giving me on and off screen so I really hope that you continue to ride this ride with me and SAM, we never know when it's going to be over. 

Episode 6: It gets real

There are days when everything just isn't perfect. Those days, I feel at my most needy. Every girl's greatest fear: being too needy, being overbearing, being a nuisance because you're overwhelmed with wanting and too afraid of losing. For the ladies, who read this, breathe... we're all needy in one way or another. Men know that, and anyone who tells you that THEY aren't needy and YOU shouldn't be needy, is probably some type of bitch relationship villain.

But anyway, imperfect days are the worst. They are the days that we haven't talked much. I'm wondering if I should send another text, have I sent too many texts? Maybe he's busy, or sleeping, or something that doesn't involve me. And yeah it makes me worry. I worry that it'll be that ONE imperfect day, that makes him realize he's just happier without me blowing up his phone. He's happier without all the data charges, and the intangible relations. One day everything I'm not will make him happier than everything I am. Those are imperfect days.

But they don't last. It's scary, it's always scary and even this blog scares me because it's about something so fragile, that it could end at any given moment. I started the campaign, as a  way to keep hope alive for me and SAM. In our perception of events it would take no shorter than 1-2 years before we can see each other again. Which you can imagine, feels like an eternity, especially when you have imperfect days. This particular blog post doesn't have a happy ending, it's too real for that. Imperfect days remain imperfect until they end.

Tell me, what comforts you on imperfect days? Should I be running for some type of fudge infused, chocolate delight sundae? A novel? comedy? What gets you through the insecure moments?

If you like it, share it! Or drop a coin at gofundme.com/goingthedistance

Episode 5: Baby don't hurt me

What is love?

Other than that random 90s song that probably just came to your head right now, the true question here is what IS love?

I don't know guys. I'm going to be honest, I have no idea. I mean I sit up here ranting and raving about this grand love affair with this guy, and I ask YOU yes! YOU the reader to support me at (gofundme.com/goingthedistance) but I'm only 22, what do I know about love?

My family... is filled with a lot of love, but it is familial love. We love each other because we're all interconnected and we've built these relationships for years. I've never had the opportunity to really see romantic love though. And SAM knows as I've told him, there are no husbands in my family. Not a single one. We are the single mothers clan of 2014 and I ....  don't know how I feel about that. Funny thing is, up until now, thats what I aspired to be. A single mom, doing it all on her own and killin' it! That's what the women I know, do; we LOVE our children, we LOVE ourselves, but men? I really didn't think it was even possible.

 And maybe it isn't!

You know I talk a good game about this stuff but maybe love doesn't really exist between a man and  a woman. I'm sure SAM would disagree but maybe he's wrong too. That's one of the reasons I started my gofundme campaign. I just wanted to know if love was true and real. I just wanted to know if I was right all along and it's always going to come crashing into single parenthood or if.... maybe there really is something to this. Maybe distance means nothing, and time means nothing; MAYBE love conquers all, and maybe I love SAM, but maybe I don't... and then what?

You tell me.

Now, don't take that to mean that this is all just one huge lie. Let me explain a little more.. The relationship I have with SAM it's....unique. Unique in that I never feel alone with him. And I resisted that at first! I was actually angry with the fact that he was saying he wanted to be by my side, I just was so angry that he would put me in a position to depend on someone other than myself when I KNOW I can't depend on anyone but myself. I was complicated then, because I'd never known a man to stand by a woman in all of her times of need. Not even my own father, whom I love to the moon and back, I'd do anything for him, but.... there were too many times that I saw my mother cry because she knew she was alone in life. Even if he was physically there, he was never really the supportive man she needed him to be.

I'm always afraid to end up like my mother, never being able to escape the disappointment of another.

Well, that's what makes SAM unique, I trust him. The way he is with me I always feel like I have a partner. When we talk to each other, he always offers his help in any way that he can, even if in reality he really just can't. If I'm down about something he tries to understand me, he apologizes if its about him. He is patient with me if I'm confused or concerned and if there is something that needs to be done between us, then we try to work it out together. I don't think it is because of me, that SAM is this way. I actually think he just is that way because when we spoke about marriage one time (just like your ideal marital situation not us getting married as this was way before the whole thing developed), he said how he wanted him and his wife to both work and both bring something to the table. I guess the way he described it he put them on equal pedestals, and I was really, really impressed by that lol. Because in traditional Zulu culture (and Sam is Zulu) women are of far less worth than their husbands once they're married. If they're unmarried, virgins they're worth a lot but after that... Oh I'm sorry, who are you? oh! right! Wife number 5. -_-.

Anyway, the point is, I don't know what love is, so maybe I can't intellectually stake claim on my love for Sam. But at the same time I love having someone to take every step with me, even if it hurts sometimes, even if its not always fun. I love the person that I've grown to know even though I actually was not trying to get involved at all, lol.

He's a gem guys I mean believe me when I say, he's a gem and ... maybe that doesn't make it love but it certainly makes it anything and everything I'm not willing to give up.

So what is love guys?! Someone please tell me how did you know when you first fell in love? I know there's some good stuff out there! Comment, subscribe, and most importantly share!

Blooper Reel 4:

It sucks to miss someone, as much as I miss you.

Blooper Reel 3: Images to live by

Gofundme.com/goingthedistance 

Episode 4: Now this Hennessy is gonna be the death of me

OOPS! Did I say Hennessy?
Definitely meant jealousy, but since you're here...
Let's talk about it!

I'm feeling down in the dumps today, so I want to share some of my favorite bits and pieces of SAM.

Back when we were in South Africa, I used to rant about this guy named Sbu! I'd be like Sbu took me here! Sbu's great! Sbu this, Sbu that, blah blah blah. And SAM was always just like.... why are you telling me this? Yeah, making this man jealous, didn't seem like the easiest thing in the world. 

But now! NOW it's a completely different story. 

 Now SAM is the kind of guy who will wave his friends over to say 'hi" to me and then quickly shoo them away for talking to me for too long. -_-

If I even tell him I'm going out? That's the end of the conversation. He wants ZERO parts of me going out, being around other guys, anything of the sort. And I have my own reservations about SAM being associated with girls who Study Abroad. C'mon, I'm American... I studied abroad... and look at me now -_-!! So many of you are probably like "Niomi, that makes perfect sense"

Well, when you are thousands of miles away from someone, being skeptical about them being around the opposite gender is a pretty tall order! To be quite frank, me and SAM are not IN a relationship, we HAVE a relationship, which are two completely different things. There are too many possibilities for other people (closer people) to walk in and out of our lives to set any real restrictions. So I guess we're technically:

 "NO STRINGS ATTACHED"

Well this is where it gets verrrrry interesting, Are you with me here?

How many guys, do you know are opposed to a "no strings attached' relationship? 

Show of hands? 

Probably ZERO or maybe 2 or 3 if they lied.

*The nature of our relationships these days are to be uncommitted, unattached, or say we are attached and then just not be faithful. and WHY do we do this? Because we don't know what to expect from each other and from life. We don't know who/ when/ or what the one is and we are doubtful of our own conscious ability to define it.

And I've been there too many times to count, so SAM? SAM has a free pass to roam around South Africa gettin' it (for lack of a better term), but he doesn't. And I don't know why he doesn't but there's something about this thing... this thing that we've built that makes it hard to see anyone else. So I'm saying even thousands of miles apart from each other SAM is more than willing, and even insists on us having somewhat of a "monogamous" relationship.

I'm floored.

I'm absolutely, 100% taken back by the idea that one guy wants to settle down here, in this world, with me ...& not with me, at the same time. And it might be hard to believe, but follow our story and you'll see just how true it is. I lay down my armor with him, I accept his jealousy as he accepts mine as a testament to the fact that I'm always in your corner, as long as you're always in mine. 

We may not be perfect yet ;] but check out how we communicate our differences! This was a riff we were having on my birthday! A little effort goes a long way ladies and gents!

So what's the verdict on jealousy guys? Healthy or Not? Is moderate jealousy a thing? Let me know! Comment and join the conversation. Orrrrrrr ....

Be the CURE! 

Help me and SAM get closer so we don't need to be jealous @ gofundme.com/goingthedistance ! ($5 is all it takes to change a life, and catch a dream)